Happy Days.

Happy isn't something I always have in my day-to-day life.  In the last year, there have been a lot of days where happy feels like the last emotion I could experience.  Stress over school, relationships, and my lifestyle take control of my life and their grip doesn't loosen easily.  It takes a drastic change, usually found at the end of a seven hour car trip.  

Life is more happy when I am home in Michigan, surrounded with familiar faces, places, and coffee houses.  Even here, the stress of school still haunts me.  I have nightmares about being late to class or missing a test I didn't know I had.  Relationships follow me everywhere, and there always things that need improving.  Sometimes the only way to do that is to have a good cry, go to bed early, and try again tomorrow.  But my lifestyle in Michigan does change, drastically.  I sleep. A lot. It is glorious.  I also get to spend time with some of the people I love most in this world.  

Now I am facing the reality of having returned to Kentucky and another three months of seven am labs, homework, and doing my own laundry. I didn't want this break to end, but alas, I don't get everything I want. Bummer.  So here are some pictures of things that make me happy in Michigan.  Enjoy!

Apple Orchard Adventures.

Grand Rapids.

In the month since I have written last, I have completed my all my finals, which concluded my first year of college, and I returned home for my fall break!  I have returned to Michigan, and I am beyond thrilled.

Not only do I get to be surrounded by my friends and family again, but I also have a great deal more freedom here than I do in Louisville.  I can actually go out and grab coffee with friends, visit my old instructors, or even just run errands.  Never though running errands would be that enjoyable.  But it is amazing what cabin fever will do to you.

A few days after I got back, my parents and I went to the Grand Rapids farmer's market.  Enjoy the pictures!

Faith.

To say that my faith has been tested over the last year, would be an understatement.  Over the course of the last four quarters, I have begun a less-then-convenient relationship with an amazing man, I started school four hundred miles away from my home, I have dealt with months of sexual harassment, and medical repercussions from said harassment.  I've lost and gained friends, had three months of minimal contact with previously-mentioned boyfriend, spent hours hiding tears from my roommate(s), and even more time hiding from God.

A little while ago, during a talk with two of my best friends, I began to complain about my life.  I admitted I didn't know what I was doing.  I didn't understand why my life was the way it was.  My friend, Erika, asked me, "when was the last time you prayed?"  (She is notorious for asking these hard questions, and I love her for it).  Do you know what my answer was?  "I don't know." I couldn't tell her.  Looking back, it was probably the morning prior, while I was getting ready for my day.  That is usually when I lift my friends up in prayer, I pray for my boyfriend, my family, and anyone else I can think of at five in the morning.  But that is just me going though the motions of prayer.  It doesn't go much deeper than "please help so-and-so with whatever they are struggling with."

I don't pray for myself.  I don't pray for those I don't like.  I don't pray for those who don't ask for prayer.  Honestly, most days, I forget to pray all together.

Erika asked me when was the last time I prayed for myself.  I told her I hadn't in a really long time.   Partially because I always feel selfish, and partially because I'm stubborn.  Not only do I not ask for help, but sometimes I refuse to admit that I even need it!

When I get frustrated with my life and where I am, I don't run to God. I get angry. I'm not angry with God, but I get angry at everyone else.  I lash out at my boyfriend, ignore my friends, and complain for hours to my mother.  Talking to God is never an option.  I'm hiding from Him.

As much as I don't want to admit it, God is not a huge part of my life right now.  Despite what I write on my blog, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I should be. I don't got to church regularly, prayer is sporadic, bible reading is almost nonexistent, and if I'm being honest, I'm less then stellar when it comes to the way I live my life day to day.  Even on the days when my boyfriend, friends, or mother remind me to pray, because 'God has a plan' I just sit and wallow.  I want to miserable, I want to be angry and hate my situation, and hate my circumstances.

I want to lose faith, because holding on to it doesn't feel worth it.

If I don't pray, I don't have to feel bad about cussing at that pan in lab that just won't come clean.
If I don't have faith, I don't have to feel guilty about the mean things I say about my classmates.
If I'm not a Christian, I don't have to obey the rules.

But if I'm not a follower of Christ, I will loose my entire identity.  God is the reason I'm the person I am right now, not only that, but He is the reason I'm where I am today.  Because of God, I have lived a good life.  Not only has he blessed me with a roof over my head and food on the table, for the last nineteen years, but he was also blessed me beyond imagining.  He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive community, and most of all a conscience. 

I can't go without praying for too long without knowing that something is wrong.  I can't go against His laws without feeling guilty.  I can't stop being a Christian.  For me that is impossible.  I am the person I am today because of the morals and values He has instilled in me.  It's more than just my upbringing from my parents, it runs deeper than that. 

Does that mean that after posting this blog post I am suddenly cured of all my evil ways?  NO!  But now I recognize that they are there.  Having faith right now isn't easy, it's not something that comes naturally to me and I have to work for it.   There are some influences in my life that make having faith harder. They keep me in my sinful ways.  That is God testing me.  And today, I am failing.  Today I have fallen very low; very far away from God's high standards for me.  And do you know what? That's okay.  I can't be perfect all the time, and failing a test just means that I have to study harder.

Today I am failing, but tomorrow will be different, and the next day will be different, as well.  Because I have faith that despite what I go through, God will still be there at the end. All I have to do is keep that faith, as hard as it is, and push through this batch of tests that He is putting me through.  And I know I will be fine.



Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. - James 1:2-3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God us the Strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26

Let your hope make you glad.  Be patient in time of trouble, and never stop praying. - Romans 12:12

Eyes and Ears.

We have two new arrivals in our apartment! Over this weekend, we sent Arthur (our previous cat) home to his girlfriend who missed him terribly, and got little Finley instead!  She was discovered by my roommates parents who couldn't keep her because she didn't get along with their current cat!  So rather than her go to a shelter, we made the switch!  Tuesday (the dog) had a little kitten friend at home as well, who has come to live with us.  So, we have two kittens now!  It has been a crazy weekend!

 Meet Jade and Finley! 

Jade.

Finley.  Who is less than pleased!

Two very pretty kittens, and I'm hoping Finley will calm down and actually sit still for more that .3 seconds!

Check out my Flickr for more of the kittens! Link here!

Bonus:  Tuesday!

Doubt.

I am about two quarters away from graduating from college and I am haunted by the question; "What are your plans after college?"  

I am a planner.  I always have been to some extent.  (Don't get me wrong, I love surprises and spontaneity, but only when the surprises are a unplanned weekend visits or trying a new place for dinner). I have always had a plan for my life. Sometimes I change my mind, otherwise I would have a glowing career as a ballerina right now, and that's okay, because sometimes I just have unrealistic plans for my own life.  

As a freshman in high school, I began to plan out my life after high school.  My older brother was graduating and everyone was asking him, "So what's next?" and he could never give them a good answer.  They wanted to know where he was going to college, when he was going to get married, and what kind of job he would have.  I was determined to have a plan, to have answers to all of those questions by the time my senior year rolled around. 

• Attend GRCC for a Baking and Pastry major.
• Live at home throughout college, move out after graduation.
• Meet and marry a guy from college.
• Start my own restaurant with my dad.
• Settle down; with 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and live happily ever after.

That plan got thrown to the dogs when I turned seventeen.  After I finished my junior year of high school, I changed my major, I was definitely a culinary girl. I also changed my school... To one hundreds of miles away...  Grand Rapids Community College wasn't for me. One short year later, I was living in a dorm room in a state I was actually quite terrified of, dating a boy from back home who was on his way to become a U.S. Marine. I no longer wanted to own my own restaurant, and starting a family seemed like a completely hopeless idea.  With graduation so close, and with the definite plan on moving back to Michigan in December, I'm full of doubt about where my life is right now. 

Don't get me wrong, there are some really great things in my life right now. I am dating a wonderful man, my family has been more than supportive about my schooling, and I have had some great memories here, but I sometimes feel so lost.

I haven't been able to plan for anything in almost a year.  There has been something changing at least every eleven weeks, if not more frequently.  Routine has become a coveted thing. And it was become habit to just reevaluate my life every three months or so.  Do you want to know what I have discovered?  I don't know what I am doing anymore!  I am doubting every decision I have made and everything I thought I wanted. 

What are you doing here?  

What are you doing with your life?  

You are just wasting your time.  

You'll never amount to any kind of chef!  

Do you really think you'll make a good mom? 

Do you really think you will ever be successful in any way? 

These things run through my mind on a daily basis.  It takes a lot to push them away, and sometimes I can't anymore.  Sometimes I break down. I let myself believe that I am worthless, with no purpose in life, with nothing but disappointment and broken plans to look forward to.  But that's not true.

Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith. - Elizabeth Elliot 

God has put me here for a reason.  Granted, I do not know what that reason is still, I just have to remind myself that there is one.  One day I'll know or maybe I never will.  Either way, I have to have the faith to say there is a plan... It's just not mine, and I have to learn not to doubt the One I have chosen to put my faith into.  Because putting my faith into myself was not a good idea.  I'm gonna let Him make the plans, and probably still spend a few nights crying, but I will try not to give up on his plans for me. 

Crime of Being Too Nice?

Have you ever heard the phrase, "you're too nice," before? I've heard that phrase more time than I can count.  I heard it in high school, as I helped a fellow student struggling in class.  I heard it when I gave a family I was working for a break on my payment, because they couldn't afford my paycheck.  I heard it when I offered to help pick up a friend's shift at work.  I heard it when I moved into my apartment, running myself ragged trying to live my own life and play "mom" for my roommates.

I finally realized what this phrase meant after someone actually wagged their finger in my face and said, "You're too nice" in the most accusatory tone. I felt bad.  I felt regret for being nice.  I felt as if everything that was happening to me was my fault, and that I needed to be better.  I need to be better than "nice."

This isn't an unfamiliar feeling.  In every instance of being too nice, I realize that I have felt that regret. When in all actuality, its not my fault at all.  In every instance where I was too nice, there was someone on the receiving end who was taking advantage of me.  Using my disposition to their advantage.

But that's how the world works, Lauren.

Yeah, that's right.  That is how the world works.  Those of us willing to use other people to get what we want, will succeed. It happens with all of us.  I will honestly say that there are people I have used to further my life in a positive way.  My parents for one.  They provide for me, when the only 'thank yous' they ever get are cards on holidays and the occasional phone call from their perpetually absent daughter.
We've all "used" people... that's not really the issue.

My issue with all this, is the fact that the nice one is the one blamed when something goes wrong.

"Oh, you're tired?  You shouldn't have covered that extra shift.  You're too nice."

One day I will have children, and I never want to tell them that they are too nice.  I don't think it should even be a phrase in the English language.  I want to look at them, if something goes wrong, and tell them that bad things happen, manipulative people are out there, but don't change who you are and how you treat people.

If my child really loves sharing their lunch with a classmate, I would much rather pack them extra, then tell them not to share.

I don't like the idea that we are raising the next generation to avoid being nice, for fear of what someone else's child may do.  What kind of a world will they grow up in?  One where everyone is too afraid to be nice?  I don't want that for my children, and I'm sure I can get most parents to agree with me.

So here is my proposition, let's quit shaming the nice guys.  Why not emulate them as opposed to alienate them?  Let's not make being nice a crime.

-Lauren

Best Friends.

This weekend I was graced with a visit from two of my very best friends!  Girls Weekend!  It was a much needed break from the stress that I've had this quarter.  Having two girls who are so willing to just go and explore the city with me, makes for some adventures!

Friday; we were able to just explore.  We walked down through town, past restaurants, coffee houses, and cute boutiques.  Taking pictures and making friends!

We stopped at a coffee house called "Quills" chatted with the barista and got permission to play in the shop and take all the pictures we wanted!  And there was free coffee involved so, naturally, I was thrilled!

Behind the lens. 

Free Coffee! 

We then wandered around, and found a small catholic church build out of grey stone with wonderfully red doors. Naturally we took some pictures around it and met Leo.  Honestly, we assumed he was just a really friendly guy walking by the church and saw us with our cameras and wanted a picture!  Turns out he is the custodian of the church we were photographing!  After talking to him, we found out he had been working in churches for almost twenty years and has a little sister in culinary school as well!  We chatted and he asked if we wanted to come inside and see the church.  We accepted and I'm so glad we did!  The church was small but beautiful, with gorgeous stain-glass windows and artistic details.  

*Leo

*

Our Saturday adventures included me heading off to work!  Then thrift shopping, where I got some "new" props for my food photography, more on that to come!  After a long day out, we headed to the apartment for the night.  It was great to just be able to spend quality time with these girls again.  Spending mere days at home every three month and even less time with them, doesn't fill my need for girl time!  So Saturday was spent doing what all girls should do during a girls night...

We laughed.  We cried.  We had noodles.  

Life is good and my friends are pretty, enjoy more pictures!

I am truly blessed with two amazing friends who spent their weekend, and twelve hours in a car, to come visit me!  I can feel really alone here in Kentucky.  I have a lot of people around me, but not many I would call true friends.  These girls sat with me and we talked about our lives, boyfriends, my struggles with school and being away from home, and as I began to feel overwhelmed, I just broke down.  Before the first tear left my cheek, I was surrounded by my friends.  Arms around my shoulders and prayers being whispered to me. They are amazing and I don't know what I would do without them!

Love you girls!

-Lauren


* These pictures were taken by Erika Wells.  Check out her website here!

Apologies.

Now I am understanding what my mother went through for the last nineteen years.  Karma has come back to bite me, even before having my own children.

This post should really starts with a story from almost three years ago.

At age sixteen, I was a nanny for a family of four children, between the ages of one and ten.  For a little more than two weeks, at the beginning of August, I worked between ten and sixteen hours a day.  I cooked meals, played games, cleaned house, settled fights, and played 'mom' to my little ones.  Even when my work day was technically over, I couldn't turn nanny mode off.  I slept on a pull out couch in the living room, and almost every night that twin-ish sized bed was full of me and three little girls.  Coincidence that all three girls had nightmares every night and had to sleep in my bed? I think not.

During the course of the vacation, I realized what a terrible child I used to be.  When I asked the older girls to help me with some of the daily chores like; bringing me the dirty dishes, folding blankets, putting away clothes, and picking up Cheerios that the one year old spilled in his last temper tantrum, I was met with whines and groans.  Worse was not getting a response at all.  After asking four times, usually I would give up and do it myself.  Honestly, the youngest was the most helpful. He seemed to be genuinely happy to help me throw trash away and move all the shoes from one side of the living room to the other.  (Useful, not terribly.  Adorable, always).  One day, after a particularly long and frustrating day I found myself saying some of the same things that my mother used to repeat to me.
"You need to respond when you hear me."
"Pause the movie and do what I asked, the movie will be there when you come back."
"You are watching Barbie; FairyTopia... it doesn't have commercials... Clean your room now! 

Bringing this story to more recent events.

I have been living in my apartment with two roommates for about two-ish months.  To say I am the mother of the group is a bit of an understatement.  Granted I don't have to get the girls dressed and help them brush their teeth every morning, but sometimes I still open my mouth and my mother comes out.
"Hailee you aren't allowed to keep the sun as a pet."
"Stop throwing coasters at the cat!"
"If you two don't stop squawking, you aren't getting dinner tonight.  You aren't peacocks you are humans!"
"Alright, give me the Nerf guns, you have abused each other enough for one day."
"Turn off the TV, we are having dinner!"

Today after a very long day at school, I looked at my mile long to-do list and just wanted to sit a weep for a while.  Cleaning, laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, menu planning, homework, blog writing, and entertaining a guest!  All while my roommates headed out to a movie, with said guest, before coming home wanting dinner.

Such is my life!

So today, I realized that all those little things I did to irritate my mom when I was a kid, came back to bite me in the butt.

So Mom, this is for you. I love you and I am so, so sorry!

-Lauren