Holidays and Life Changes.

Tis the season to be... beyond busy, stressed out, and gaining weight! Some people call that jolly. The holidays bring back a lot of memories for me, as I'm sure they do for everyone else.  This year, memories involve so much more than Christmas's past.

As of the seventeenth of December, I am no longer a resident of Louisville, Kentucky.  Academically, I have finished college. No more scantrons, no more product IDs, and no more Kentucky.  I'll be brutally honest when I say, "Thank God."  I have been dying to move home since I moved away last fall.  Then again, now that I am gone, it seems a little sad, a little lonely in a way.  I miss my old room, my kittens, my routine, and my freedom.  Instead of that, I gained my dog, my family, my safe home, my best friends, and someone a little more special.

After six months of bad cell reception, grainy Skype quality, poorly timed text messages, and overall not niceties, I got this man back.  It's not been an easy six months, between his overwhelming work load in the Marines, my stress over school and internship, and a three hour time difference, things with us have seemed to fall the wayside.  We spent his birthday, our one year anniversary, and Thanksgiving over two thousand miles apart.

All sadness aside, I now have him back for the remainder of the holiday season and then will regretfully have to hand him back over.  Until then, look at some happy pictures from this break and my happy friends and family.

I was able to go Christmas tree hunting with AJ and his family.  Erika brought along her boyfriend, Keegan, and they are the dictionary definition of a handsome couple.  So obviously there were photos snapped.

This family means so much to me. They have become my Holland family, and my two best friends belong to it.  The Wells have made me feel so welcome, they have given me support, wise words, coffee in the morning, and reason to smile!

To say that I am just excited to be back with this girl, is the understatement of the century.  I am a happy girl, back in my home state, ready to see what God has to throw at me, and I know there will be a lot.

Stay tuned and have a great New Years!


Any photos you see of me here are from my beautiful friend Erika! See past post and her blog here!

Waiting.

Since I have been back at school, I have had several people ask me about AJ.  The same kind of questions I had mentioned before, but a few asked me a question I honestly didn't expect.

"So, when are you moving out to California?"

The people who ask this don't know AJ, or I, very well. I've only shared a class with them for a quarter or two. I am surprised by this question because it's something that didn't even cross my mind.  I will move back home to Michigan in December, it never occurred to me that moving to California was even an option for me.  Honestly, it's not an option for me, but I realized that my reasons behind that answer, weren't clear to my classmates.

I am a Christian, and part of what I believe is that couples don't live together until they are man and wife. 

When I told my classmates that I won't move in with him until we are married, I got laughed at.  Out right amusement at the fact that I would wait until marriage.  The next thing out of their mouth was "When is the wedding?"  Again... I was a bit taken-a-back.  I have only been dating AJ for ten months.   When I told them how long we had been dating, I was met with more laughter.  Seems that my take on relationships is literally laughable. 

Thinking back, at least three times, since I started dating, I have been asked if I had slept with my boyfriend yet.  When I tell people that I hadn't, that I am a virgin and waiting till marriage, people have shown varying reactions to the news.

Some laugh.
Some tell me I'm a prude, to just sleep with him already.
Some look at me like I am some innocent child, like I don't understand how the world works.
Some look at me with envy, telling me that they wish they would have waited.
Some applaud me for the choice I have made.
Sometimes it is a combination of these.

What gets me is, in the same breath, someone can call me a prude and still be envious of the "innocence" that I have.  I have no problem telling people the reasons why I haven't slept with anyone, and why I am waiting for my husband.  I do it not only to respect my God and myself, but to also respect my future husband.  There is a possibility, as much as I don't like to admit it, that I won't marry AJ.  That I may find myself, five years down the line, engaged to someone else.

What would he think of me if I had been living in California, with my then-boyfriend, just a few years ago?
What would he think of me if I wasn't a virgin and he was?
What would that do to our relationship?

When I place those questions in front of my classmates (and myself), the answer if quite clear. Even to someone who doesn't share my beliefs. The look in their eyes changes.  Sometimes to self-loathing, other times to contemplation. I'm never sure if I change anyone's mind, but something has got them thinking about what makes me different.

Girls from my class have told me that they admire the relationship that AJ and I share.  That they wish they had boyfriends like AJ.  I smile because I know they are saying those things partially because military relationships are romanticized too much by media these days, but maybe, just maybe, I may be of some influence over the way these girls go about their next relationship.

Waiting isn't such a bad thing.

So here we are again, at the end of a post, where I attempted to be profound in my relationship giving advice. I'm not actually sure who reads my blog, but maybe some young girl out there, who is embarrassed because her friends keep calling her a prude, will read this.  Maybe she'll be able to stave off the peer pressure for a little while longer.  That's my hope, at least.

Trusting God with My Marine

To anyone who knows me personally, the name AJ will mean something to you.  It sure means something to me.  AJ is my boyfriend of nearly ten months, he is also a U. S. Marine.

On June 13th, AJ graduated at MCRD in San Diego, CA.  I was lucky enough to join him there and celebrate with him, his family, and some close friends.  Since he has been home on boot leave, I have been bombarded with seemingly endless questions about our relationship.  (Though he has been hounded with more questions than I, so I guess I shouldn't complain).  

"How has he changed?"

"What was it like to see him after so long?"

"How is your relationship now that he is back?"

"What are your plans for the future?"

Those were the most popular, and I have several, well-rehearsed answers for all of them.  To most people who have been following AJ though his journey to become a Marine, those are just the answers they expect.  Sometimes they even answer them for me; "Bet it was good to hug him again, huh?" 

They aren't wrong.  Family Day was amazing; hugging someone after so long is probably one of the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced.  Granted I was functioning on about four hours of sleep and hadn't eaten in twenty-eight hours, so it could have been that I just needed the physical support! But as you can see, we were both pretty happy to have that hug.

Photo Credit; Erika Joy

As for the rest of the questions;

AJ has changed, he now stands a little taller and walks a little quicker.  He holds himself like a Marine should.  He is now a proud man, and I am a proud girlfriend.  But he still makes the same jokes, laughs the same way, and is still that same sarcastic person who left three months ago.

As you can tell from the photos, it was pretty great seeing him again.  Words really don't cover it.  I can tell you that the day after graduation I spent about an hour and a half bawling in the bathroom of my hotel room out of exhaustion, frustration, and relief.  He was home, for just a bit, and that was the best feeling. 

As far as our relationship goes, it's personal.  People keep asking which is why I am addressing it, but I will definitely say that God is who we are trusting right now.  We will be apart again until December, so we have to figure out how our lives work with one another and where God is leading us to go.

And that covers what my plans are.  My plans are to trust God with the relationship that he has given me with an amazing man who is doing what the Lord has called him to do.  I can't tell you I am going to be engaged by such and such a date.  I can't even tell you where I am going to be six months from now, let alone where we are going to be.  I am relinquishing control to God and trusting that his will for my life, and my relationship, is better than any plan I could dream up on my own.

AJ goes back for MCT tomorrow, meaning there will be yet another, probably tearful, goodbye that I am not looking forward to.  Trusting God and learning that I have to accept helplessness is not easy for me (or him), but I know, one day, I will look back and be proud of the choices I have made to let God lead and follow Him.

My handsome Marine.

Bible Study and Relationships.

Since I've been at school, I have joined a small group with a local church.  Just six or seven at us, sitting at Starbucks, drinking our respected frou-frou drinks, and discussing the Lord's word and our lives.  Last week we went over Colossians 3:18-4:1.  Basically going over the rules for Christian households, something that we discussed a little bit last fall in Ephesians 5:22-33.

When I read these verses back then, I had just started dating AJ.  My small group leader made some comments on these passages, having us take notes of who we should be looking for in our future husbands.  The opening lines of both of these passages are almost identical.  "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord [as to the Lord]." Not the greatest opening line directed to a very stubborn teenage girl in a new relationship.  The first time we went over this topic, I didn't think too much of it.  "Don't date/marry someone you can't submit to" was the main point drilled into our heads.  The more I thought about it though, the more that word "submit" bothered me... After talking with my leader a little more carefully on this subject, I got a better answer.  "Don't date/marry someone you couldn't let make the big decisions." If you can't relinquish control of major decisions like where you live, this job or that job, or kids or no kids (or when) then you shouldn't marry this person.  Honestly, it makes a lot of sense for those of us who still believe that the husband should be head of the household and the family.  This doesn't mean he doesn't take the wife's opinion into consideration, it just means that he has the last word.  (Again, difficult for a stubborn girl to hear).

Now, before I have someone gets up in arms about how sexist that statement sounds, hear me out.  I do believe there is a time and a place for the woman to take charge.  If the safety, physically, mentally, financially, or spiritually, of herself or the rest of her family is in danger, then by all means, don't listen to him.  I know there are men in this world that abuse the position they have over women and they don't deserve the respect that submission gives them.  But here is where the rest of the passages kicks in; "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."  So let me give you the phrase that should have been drilled in our heads, "Do not date/marry someone who isn't worthy of the respect you are giving him by submitting."  I know plenty of girls who would have no problem submitting to whomever was the cutest or had the best car.  Submission isn't hard for them.  But those men may not be worthy of respect.

See, that's where things are a little backwards for me.  I'm very capable of giving respect, I give it to whomever deserves it.  But I am not as capable of submission.  I respect those in authority to me, but I do not always obey them, I only obey if I agree with them.  Basically, I only submit if I can pass it off as my own idea.  It's so bad that I will even blow off my chef's instructions in lab because I think that my way is better or that his suggestion doesn't matter.  So far, I haven't been wrong, but maybe that's the issue.  Maybe I should be wrong more often.  Maybe that will teach me how to submit, because right now, it is the most difficult thing for me to comprehend.  Letting another human being have a huge input on some of the biggest decisions of my life.  Not my idea of easy. Giving respect to that human being, piece of cake.  A piece of cake that I dictate the specifics of.  If it's chocolate and he likes vanilla or, heaven forbid, he prefers pie, then out he goes.

Alright, I have just made a food analogy, I think it's about time I actually made a few points and wrapped this up.

Ladies; when looking for your future husband, look for someone worthy of respect and someone you trust enough to submit to in big decisions.  Someone who is;

• Understanding
• Patient 
• Forgiving
• Trustworthy 
• Respectful
• Has God's will for his, and your, life always in mind

There are more to add to that list, but the reason I have just those on there is because they do mean something.

• You want someone who understands that it isn't always easy to submit.  
• You want someone who gives you time to come to grips with submission.  
• You want someone who will forgive you when you snap at him because things aren't going your way. 
• You want someone you can trust not to hurt you with the decisions he is making.  
• You want someone who respects you just as much as you respect him.
• You want someone who has submission to God, and to his will. 

Gentlemen; when looking for your future wife, look for someone is willing to submit, but not blindly.  Someone who is;

• Strong
• Humble
• Patient 
• Understanding
• Respectful
• Forgiving
• Has God's will in mind

Yes, there are repeats, but bear with me.

• You want someone with enough will of her own to give her opinion and fight for what she thinks is the right thing.
• You want someone who is humble enough to realize that her opinion isn't always the best option. 
• You want someone who is patient with you when you don't know what the right option is.
• You want someone who understands that you are human and can make mistakes.
• You want someone who respects you enough to submit to you leadership.
• You want someone who, if the need arises, will give you another shot if you need one. 
• You want someone who will be ever mindful of what God wants for you both. 

So there is my little speech on at least one section of relationships.  To be honest, a section that I struggle with quite a lot.  Something that has been weighing on my heart and a subject that's worth a blog post.

Hey, By The Way, Thanks.

How often do you say "thank you?"

Do you say it to the person making your coffee, to the waitress serving you dinner, to the teacher who hands you back your test score?  How about to God?  How often do you thank Him?

Do you say it every night at dinner?
Maybe just every Thanksgiving?
When ever something really good happens to you?

 Be honest, how often do you really say "thank you?"

I'll be honest, I'm really good at saying "thank you" but I'm not good at meaning it.  I say it everyday to the girl who makes my breakfast, I say it every time someone hands me something in class, but I don't say it to God everyday. Even though he's the only reason I am here.  He's the only reason I recovered from my fevers this weekend.  He's the only reason I woke up this morning.  He's the only reason I am able to write this blog.  And yet I didn't say "thank you" when I woke up this morning.  I didn't say "thank you" when school got canceled due to snow, giving me one more day to study.  I should have.  I should never stop saying it, cause there is always something to be thankful for.

We had a guest speaker at church a few weeks ago who said something that sat heavy with me.

In response to the question; "What is God's will for me?" he said, "Say 'thank you.' Often"

That's it.  Just say "thanks." It's not hard. Or is it?

Would you say "thank you" for that really annoying coworker or classmate that you have?
Would you say "thank you" for school when you're stuck far away from your loved ones?
Would you say "thank you" for the relationships in your life that don't seem to be good for you, just them?

I didn't.  Those were things I prayed to get rid of.  But during devotions a week ago, I ran across Colossians 4:2.

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."

So I did.
I prayed for my least favorite classmates, every time I saw them.
I prayed for God to help me through this quarter and thanked him for giving me this opportunity.
I prayed for those in my life that needed more attention than I did, and how I could help them.

So I was thankful.  Then I watched.

My least favorite classmates took on my load in lab so I wouldn't be late to my next class.  Without complaint.
When I was struggling with homesickness, a classmate walked up and gave me a hug, saying it was good to see me.
God showed me what an impact I had on a friend's life.  How much I helped better their days.

It was truly amazing.  So I challenge you to do that today.  Say "thanks," for something you normally wouldn't think about.  Say it and mean it.  Then step back and see what is changed by you saying that.

Back To Business.

A new year. A new quarter. Normally I think this is where people put "A new me!" but that's not really true in this case.  New Years has never been like that for me.  I don't set new goals, resolutions, or what not.  I knew I would break them, so in my mind, there was no point.  I made a few when I was younger, crash diet goals, ridiculous restrictions on what I could and could not eat, usually those lasted about two weeks.  I either got sick or just plain hungry.  Never been good with restricting my eating habits, I'm a foodie, hence culinary school.

Speaking of which, I'm back!  Back to Kentucky for the next three months.  Back to a schedule, a plan, a goal.  In one year I will be moved back home, back to my little farming town.  To my family and friends.  Oh how I wish this year to go fast.  But I have some things that need my attention this year.  Not just school, I have important things happening this year.  Family changes to deal with, friends growing up and moving on and the work that goes into trying to keep those friendships alive, and a boyfriend who is leaving for bootcamp and schooling.  My world gets to be turned upside down every three months or so for the next year.  I can't just sit here in my dorm watching the world fly by me, I'm taking an active role in my life this year.

• I'm pushing myself harder, academically, then I ever have before.
• I'm spending the longest amount of time away from home then I ever have before.
• I'm working on a relationship that doesn't have the best timing or circumstances.
• I'm striving to be a better person, and a better Christian.
• I'm finding out more about myself, rediscovering who I am and what I want for my life.  
• I'm becoming an adult. 

And I am loving every second of it so far.  I will eat my words finals week, but right here, right now, I am where I am supposed to be.  My life isn't pretty, I have had to deal with things this last week that I really don't want to think about at eighteen years old, but I don't regret that.  It's what my life needs right now, and it's what I'll have to deal with.

Just not right now.

Right now it's time for dinner and some Sherlock.

So here is to 2014.  May it bring happy changes and blessings into your life as well.

Time For A Change.

So as many of you can see, this blog has changed quite a bit.  New look for the (almost) new year.  I started this blog back in January and I have been playing with the style of it since then... and over the last two or three days, I haven't had much to do, so I went a little crazy.  Got a whole new look.  Personally I like it better, but then again I'm not the one who has to read it!  Let me know what you guys think!

In other news, I'm back at college.  You should see my face, I just can't stop smiling, I love it here.

Yeah, I'm a horrible lair.  

I've been back for a little over a week and will be going back home on Christmas break in four days.  Now that is a reason to smile.  Plans are being made for Christmas parties, caroling, and family get-together.  I'm very excited!

But this will be a difficult year in many ways.  

• This is the first Christmas without my Grandma Betty.  She's been such a fixture for so long it's going to be strange not to have her with us.  
• This is the first year without Riley, yet another fixture in our home, gone.  
• First Christmas with little Piper.  
• First year I have to actually GO somewhere for Christmas.  
• First year of not being home to pick out the Christmas tree and put up decorations in my room. 
• First Christmas I get to spend with my friends! 

A mixture of both good, bad, and hard.  Tears will be shed this year, both happy and sad.  But I am looking forward to it all.  Looking forward to seeing everyone again, to spending time with my family and friends.  It will be a good three weeks.  Now I just have to get through finals... Ugh.

Grandma Betty.

I Miss My Dog.

I've realized what's so odd here.  That nagging thing that has been bothering me for the last few weeks, but that I could never really identify.  I miss my dog.  And I know that's something that I knew before, but it's truly something odd for me.  Not having a dog in the room with me, not having another living, breathing mammal to talk too or just enjoy its company.  At home I am never truly alone, there is always a dog, there has been a dog there for thirteen years.

Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on.  I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion.  They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much.  I could at least hold a conversation with Tess.  She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal.  Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty.  And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room.  Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.

I've never gone this long without a dog before.  Ever.  Riley has been with the family for thirteen years.  I've had Tessa for almost four years.  Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy.  A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.

Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph.  She has always been there.  Something I didn't have to worry about.  She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me.  It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did.  That's still true.  I think that's another reason I miss her so much.  We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things.  It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.

I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever.  To have that reminder that she isn't changing.  That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine.  Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen.  Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.

Five more weeks....

Tessa at 10 weeks.

Tessa at 3 years