Saying Goodbye.

In the past month I have had to say goodbye in many different ways.  To friends at school who are graduating, my instructors who have helped me through a really tough quarter, my sanity, and my best friend.

Some goodbyes are easier than others, I don't sweat saying goodbye to my classmates, or most of my instructors.  They are just formalities, but others seem to push me past the limit of what I can handle.

• My chef this past quarter has been amazing, she has helped me through so much and was that mother figure I needed when I am so far away from my own mom.  I won't have her for another class while I am here, but she has promised that we will work together again.  I had a brief visit with her yesterday and we caught up on each others lives.  We've both been better after getting out of that class, both mentally and physically. 

• Another chef has also greatly helped me through some of my struggles this quarter.  He was a supporter and protector when the harassment in class became too much for me to handle on my own anymore.  Along with helping me protect a fellow classmate when the need arose.  Now he's definitely not my father figure, not even close, between the goofy jokes and teasing we bantered back and forth, he's more of a brother figure. Another thing I needed when I was so far away from my own brothers.

These two instructors helped make this quarter survivable, pushing me to do better in my classes and supporting the efforts I made.  Saying goodbye is not something that I enjoyed about my finals week.  A simple thank you doesn't seem to convey the weight they helped lift off my shoulders and the peace they still give me when I walk though the halls and get a hug or a simple smile. 

• I said goodbye to my sanity long ago, but what little remained left me finals week.  I was living off the hope of being home that Friday, and nothing more.  I was physically not able to take another week of last quarter.  The headaches, light headedness, shakes, back pain, and more recently anxiety attacks made my everyday a bit of a struggle.  I could break down at any second of my day and thankfully, every time I did, I was alone.  Even my roommate was oblivious to them for the first week.  Currently, I don't suffer from them anymore, any of them.  From headaches to anxiety, I've been free of them for two weeks.   

• Then, possibly the worst goodbye of them all; my goodbye to AJ.  On March 16th, I said goodbye to him over the phone for the next three months.  He headed off to boot camp and I was stranded in Kentucky staring down the barrel of the gun they call finals week. It's already been a month, I am happy to report, but that didn't make that morning any easier (or the next few weeks either, for that matter).  AJ and I would talk everyday, which was another reason I made it through last quarter.  His support and wise words helped me make sense of what was happening, and gave me comfort when I felt weak and defenseless.  He was my biggest fan when I found out my grade for my hardest final and cheered me on as I faced some difficult days.  Now it's my turn to take up that roll, as he is facing the hardest 13 weeks of his life so far.  A roll I am extremely proud to undertake, to try and some how repay what he has done for me.  

I have learned a lot in the last month.  Learned things bout myself and what I am capable of, things I didn't even think were possible for me.  Goodbyes are hard but I think they are some of the greatest teachers of all. They prove that life goes on after something ends and that not all farewells are sad.  They are just a symbol that life is starting a new chapter, for better or worse.  So yes, I said goodbye, but I opened myself up for so many more "hello's."

April Showers.

Spring has come to Louisville.

Most everyone from around here will say, "Finally!" but I am in awe at how quickly this season has irrupted here.  Being from Michigan means that I'm used to snow till May, now that I am here in Kentucky, we haven't had a snowflake in over a month!  It is truly gorgeous outside, which means it's time to pull the camera out again and drag my roommate outside with me to take some pictures.   One of these days I'll get a picture of her up here, but until now, enjoy some snapshots from my walk. 

Tea Cups and Giggles.

Happily home on spring break!  Got to come back and take some pictures at my lovely friend's birthday party!  We had a tea party.

The Road So Far.

Today marks the start of week nine.  Slowly but surely this quarter is wrapping up.  To be honest, it couldn't come soon enough.  This quarter has been such a struggle for me, and the hopelessness I felt when I wrote my last post, really never went away.

To answer some questions I have been getting since my last post, things in class have gotten better.  Over the first five weeks or so, I was being sexually harassed, everyday, in one of my classes.  Causing more problems than I would actually care to admit.  After finally confronting two teachers about it and getting  some repercussions because I "snitched", the harassment has died down to next to nothing.  A blessing, to say the least.  I am no longer fearful to walk into my classroom, or paranoid every time I passed one of my classmates in the hallway. I have had a few of my classmates admit that I now scare them, which to be honest, is a delightful turn of events.

In conjunction to that, over this quarter, I think I have bitten off a bit more than I can chew.  I am taking five classes, totally about seven hours of school a day.  Same amount that I took last quarter, but these classes are all at about the junior level.  I am the only second quarter in my English and Psych class.  It's a difficult schedule, both physically and mentally.  I am awake at six thirty every morning, in class by seven fifty, and only back to dorm at three thirty.  After I come home, I have about two hours of homework every night, along with a call to my mom, a few texts here and there from my boyfriend and other friends from back home, and dinner and socializing here at dorm. I was blessed with a really great roommate this quarter, which has helped make things a bit easier.  But it is still a schedule that is very demanding.  On any given day I am on the move from seven to seven everyday.  Sometimes later.  Even if I wanted to, I rarely can stay up past eleven at night.  Adding in the stress of the harassment, it's taken its tole on me.

After weeks of this, I have physically take a tole for the worse.  I'm not just tired, some days I can't even bring myself to walk down the hall to get food.  I have neglected my small group and church because I am either too tired on Wednesday nights to go, or I can't find time to between all my classes and homework.  I suffer from severe headaches, shakes, and am light headed most days.  I don't have many good days.

There are things that make it better, I have worked a short nap into my schedule, usually during the worst part of my headaches, so I just sleep through most of the pain.  Talks with my mom and short weekly skype dates with friends help cure the homesickness for just a bit, and then of course, there's the weekends.

Over the last month, I have been blessed with visits from people back home.  On Valentines day, Alan surprised me with a visit over the weekend, and then this past weekend, he and Erika came down for three days.  These weekends make life a little easier for just a short time.  The goodbyes are hard, but it's worth it.

Now, it's Monday, and another week stares me down.