Tea Cups and Giggles.

Happily home on spring break!  Got to come back and take some pictures at my lovely friend's birthday party!  We had a tea party.

Best Friends and Ninja Cookies.

I have returned to Michigan!  Oh how wonderful it feels!  Now some of you may be wondering (or I am just looking for a clever way to introduce this subject) why I didn't say, "I have returned home."  Well that's cause I haven't really been home since I arrived in Michigan Friday evening.  I've been spending my time at my second home.  Erika and Alan's home.  After going shopping with Erika, and our friend Rachel, I went back to her house to get some food and see Alan, and then Michigan, in all its humor, snowed me in.  The roads were horrible and I was "forced" to spend the night... twice.  As you can probably imagine, it was horrible, just absolute torture, having to spend three days with my best friend and my boyfriend.  But to ease the pain of the bad company, we made sugar cookies.  Ninja sugar cookies.  And because when you bake with a fellow blogger and photographer, pictures are taken and blog posts must be written.

Our MacGyver'd rolling pin.

All decorated! 

Committing a murder.

The victim of the Cereal Killer!

My boyfriend is a geek...

"Schurprisch!"

Surprises are the best.  This weekend was the best.  This weekend was a surprise.

Here is the story of my weekend surprise;

The plan for November first was for my parents would come down and visit me over the weekend.  We would go sight-seeing and exploring the city that I have been living in for the last two months.  It was a plan I was okay with, I genuinely have missed my parents ans was really excited to see them and talk with them again.  But I really wished they would bring my brothers or some of my friends along.  I didn't tell them that.  I didn't want to seem unhappy that they were coming or make it seem like them coming wasn't enough.  It was, but bringing my friends would make it better.

For about a week before their arrival date, I had become suspicious that they may be bringing my best friends, Alan and Erika, with them.  Little things that got my hopes up, like my dad telling me that he may not have room for my mini fridge in the back seat of the car, saying it wouldn't fit through the door.  A completely valid excuse but in my mind it meant that there would be people in that back seat.  I refused to ask anymore directly, "Are you bringing so-and-so?" of "Are you coming?"  If they were trying to surprise me, I would let them and not make them lie.

Friday rolled around and I convinced myself that no one but my parents were coming.  My friend, Alan, told me to say "hello" to my parents for him, and my heart sank.  I gave up all hope that he was coming.  My parents pulled up with an empty back seat and it was final.  No one else came.

I was very happy to see Mom and Dad, don't get me wrong, I just didn't realize how much I had been looking forward to possibly seeing my friends.  I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I clambered into the car, off to check into my parents' hotel and then get some lunch.

I unloaded the trunk of my parents' luggage and headed to the elevator.  Naturally I walked faster then my bogged down parents, so my dad gave me the room key so I could open the door for them.  And I did, I unlocked the door and headed in.

And who shall be sitting there? Erika and Alan!

I can't really remember what happened next.  I think I screamed, jumped up and down, and  hugged them about a million times.  It's really just a blur of happiness.  The best kind of blur.

The next two days were also a blur.  The bad kind of blur, the kind of blur that left me, on Sunday afternoon, feeling like they had only been there for twenty minutes.

But it had been about three days, three full, wonderful, memorable days.  And I wouldn't change them for the world.  So here are just a few pictures that I took this weekend of the beautiful Kentucky landscape.

The woods in the mountains are beautiful this time of year. 

A little water fall.

LEAVES!

I love the mountains.

Just Some Thoughts.

Grinning like an idiot.  I've been doing a lot of that recently.  More that I have in a long time.  Mainly it's due to the fact that I am at college.  I get cute messages, texts, and snapchats from many of my friends saying that they miss me or just to say "hi".  They are wonderful!  I always seem to get them at the exact moment I need them; when I am having a bad day in class, when I am really tired and ready to be done for the day, or when I'm just sitting around missing home.  I'll get just the smallest text or a picture of a smiling friend and my day just gets ten times better.  Which causes me to grin like an idiot in the middle of class, on the bus to the dorm, while I'm eating alone at dinner, or while I'm sitting on my bed in my room.

I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy, I just randomly smile (and sometimes giggle) at my phone or laptop.  And believe me, I don't mind one bit.  Not even a little bit.  But it does hurt sometimes.  Knowing that I am the reason for them missing me.  Which sounds weird but allow me to explain myself.

Missing someone is not a fun feeling.  Yes, it means that you care about someone and wish to be in their company again, but in a perfect world there would be no need to miss anyone.  They would always be around.  It's my fault that these people, whom I care about dearly, have to feel this way.  I chose to leave for college, I chose to build friendships and bonds with them even though I knew I was leaving.  They have made my life so much better but I'm not sure I have done the same for them.  Like I am cruel for ever being their friend.  That's a difficult feeling to deal with.

And even though I get to text or snapchat them back, it's not the same as being there in person.  There would be no need for these messages or texts if I were back home with them.  As cute as some of the "I miss you" messages are, (keep in mind, I do love them) I just wish they were sent under different circumstances.

One of my friends and I used to send each other "I miss you" texts after going only a day without seeing each other.  Not because we were overly dependent on each other, just simply because we enjoyed each others company and didn't like to be away for it for too long.  Now those messages have a different feel.  That I do not like.  I feel like "I miss you" doesn't cover it any more.  Like there has to be another phrase that means more and sums up my feelings better.  I do miss her, terribly, but you can over use a phrase so that it doesn't hold any meaning anymore.  I have to be careful now.  Not to over use these sentiments.  Keep those things special, so that I can continue to grin like an idiot.

The Land Between.

The world between the old normal and the new normal.

This is something that got brought up in a church service back home, I listened to the audio this morning in my dorm.  They are moving buildings, and are preparing for a new normal.  I've moved states, and I'm preparing for a new normal.

It's been almost two weeks.  That doesn't sound like a long time, but it does feel like it.  I'm getting into the routine here.  Into the swing of things.  I have a system, a pattern, but it's not normal yet.

The question that I am fighting with is; will this ever be normal?
Will I ever be comfortable here? Will I ever settle in?

I don't know these answers, I know that I had a normal.  My normal was movie nights at Nate's, weekends at Erika's, late night text conversations, coffee date's with Rachel, bonfires, stargazing, days and nights filled with people that I love.

I am struggling with not having these things anymore.  They aren't totally gone, but coffee dates on opposite sides of a computer screen just have a different feel.  Stars don't translate the same through cell phone pictures.  Conversations don't flow right when I fall asleep too early.  Having the feeling of being surrounded by people who you love doesn't work over Skype.  These things aren't gone, but they are different.

I'm in the land between.  Transitioning into a new normal.  One with classes, bed times, bad coffee, and Skype dates.  One that I'm not happy about becoming used too.  I may not feel the same in a few weeks or months, I may enjoy this new normal eventually.  Just not now.  Right now I want my old normal.  I am dying to go back in time.  To even the simplest of days, where nothing extraordinary happened, just a normal day.



... 8 more weeks.

Content. Not Comfortable.

When will I start missing home?  When will I really get homesick? Why am I even worried about that?
Right now I am content at the dorms, I like having my own space and being able to take care of myself.  I don't miss my home yet.  Not really, I just miss little things.

*I miss the smell of coffee in the morning.
*I miss the feeling of Tessa curled up at the foot of my bed.
*I miss the smell of my house.
*I miss the familiar things.  The comforting things.

I'm not homesick, I'm content.

But I can see myself shutting down, turning off that emotion and not missing anything or anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  I want to miss people, I do miss people, I just want to continue.

Tonight:
*I miss stargazing.
*I miss swimming in the pond.
*I miss going on walks with Tess.
*I miss sitting on my friend's porch and talking.
*I miss drinking coffee out of a real mug.

These are things I got used to this summer.  Things that I didn't realize I would miss as much as I do.  I've already written about hugs.

Oh, how I miss hugs.

I'm completely sure that I will always miss hugs.

I'm still scared.  I'm still worried I'm gonna shut down.  I don't want to get comfortable here, content is fine, but not comfortable.  I have to keep myself irritated with something or someone.  If something bothers me I can't get comfortable.  I'm safe.

This isn't a good place for me to be though.  I am constantly negative about everything and everyone here, trying to find things.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes I have to search.

Why am I searching for negative things?

My world here is completely different.  There is so much structure and routine here.  I have the same thing for breakfast almost everyday.  I get on the same bus, with the same people, and go to the same classrooms and sit in the same seat.  Everyday.

My day gets all messed up if I do something different.  When someone eats dinner with me, it takes too long and I don't get my reading time, which pushed my texting and Skyping times back.  Then my day is just off.  And that bothers me.  A lot.

I don't have a lot of control here:
*I can't do everything I want all the time.
*I can't see my friends all the time.
*I can't sit in the yard and watch the world go by.
*I can't go down to the kitchen and get a midnight snack.

I'm on a schedule.  I'll remain on one until I go home in November.  That's why I am so concerned about shutting down.  With a schedule that I don't have to think about, it will be so much easier to close down and become a shell.  Just my body doing the routine.  That's what scares me.  I could change here.

I don't want to change.

I Have Arrived.

College. The final frontier.  

Well, not really, but appreciate the reference.   I am here at culinary school, sitting in my dorm room, at my desk, typing away.  It feels odd.  Like I'm in a sort of dream, you know those really vivid, realistic ones? The ones where when you wake up you can't tell the difference between yesterday and the dream.  That's what it's like.

I've had a full three days.  Spent the Tuesday running errands and packing, then I was kidnapped.  By the best people possible.  My friend, Rachel, picked me up and drove me to Holland where I met my other friends, Alan and Erika, for coffee!  After chatting for a bit we walked around downtown, window shopped, and of course stopped at the corner book store.  Later we went back to my second home, had ice cream, talked on the porch, stargazed on the trampoline, and began Hug Fest 2013.
These are my favorite kind of days.

I didn't want to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  That weight in the center of your chest, holding you down, making you want to stay.  Forever.  I wish I could, I really do.  Spend the rest of my year sitting on the kitchen floor of my best friends' house.  But I had to move on.  I had to say goodbye.  It hurt, it still does.

Wednesday morning rolled around.  Regrettably.  Up at 4:45 am, finished my last bit of packing, explained to Tessa what was gonna happen that day, said goodbye to my brothers, dogs, and house.  Then sitting outside my house was my friend Jon.  Come to bid me farewell.  Ugh, never have I needed a hug so badly and I am so happy he was there to give me one.  Or five.  It's all a bit of a blur, I lost count.  But after that I was off, heading towards my new life.

God sent me a rainbow.

Today is my second day at school.  I've met some people, enough so that I don't eat alone at meals, unless I want to, which is most of the time.  I've had lots of breaks today, but I've spent them all in my room, writing journal entries, letters home, and now this blog post.  I should go down and get dinner soon.  But first a small dorm tour.

My bed and picture wall.

Book shelf, with all of my "To Read Before Break" books.  Wish me luck!

That's Done Now.

As I'm beginning to wrap up my time here at home, I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.  I'm going through old photos to get some printed up for college, laughing at the memories and sometimes telling inside jokes out loud to my computer screen.  I'm marveling in how much I have changed this year.  I have made some of the most amazing friends in the last ten months.  Some have become my best friends.  I have had some of the most mundane activities made amazing, just by having a friend with me.

 Keep in mind that I just met most of these people eight to ten months ago.  I have had friendships lasting over four years that have not been as close as the once I have made this year.  God is truly amazing like that.  I used to think I was never going to find friends like the old ones I had lost, just because there was so much history there that can't be replicated.  A certain comfort level which only time can obtain.

I was wrong.

Going Grocery Shopping

I used hate the term "Click." It felt shallow and meaningless.  A term I previously only used to describe small groups of preppy teen-aged girls in high school.

But it has now taken on a whole new meaning.

Now when I say "click" I'm talking about my friends Erika and Alan.  Two of my best friends.  Never in my life have I "clicked" with anyone the way I clicked with them.  Frankly I could fill and entire blog post talking about those two, and I  probably will, just at a later date.

Moving on!

The last five months have been some of the best that I have had ever.  The Summer of 2013 will be one I talk about for years and years to come.  My children will hear stories of all of the "adventures" I had in my wild and crazy youth.  Including burning couches, watching Disney movies, numerous beach sunsets (in the least romantic way possible), Wii parties, and hayloft chats.  My children will be so bored with me.

Sarah at Holland Beach

My camera was with me most of this summer, thankfully.  So I have been able to document some of my fondest memories.

Penny in the sunset

This one here for instance was my first bonfire of the year, at my friend Louis's house.  I did not know Louis previous to this get together, we met that night.  I spent the evening on his farm with a group of other friends, walking, talking, taking pictures of horses, shooting off fireworks, eating sweets, and discussing geeky TV shows.
This was one of my favorite bonfires of the whole year.

At my friend, Alan's, soccer game.  His sister, Erika, and a friend, Annie, and I sat on the side lines, cheering him on. We had an annoying line judge that would ruin all of our pictures because he was doing his job. Ugh.  So after half time (or what ever you call it in soccer) we started singing "Adelvice" from The Sound of Music.  The line judge stayed clear of us from then on! We also redid a Les Mis song to fit the game a bit better.  I don't even think I could sing the original lyrics anymore.

It's memories like this that I will have forever.  Not that they are anything special to anyone else, they are just precious to me.

Jon's Pond

The pond.  My entire group's summer summed up into one picture.  I can't believe all the adventures we have had here, all the jokes, the countless hours spent on the dock or shore, the pruned fingers and toes, the sunburn, the lost camera, and just the life that happened here.

Life has passed in these last few months. Lots of it.  It will continue to pass in the days to come, but not the same.  Not like it did this year.  I will miss this terribly, but I can't make it last forever as I want too.  We are all moving on now, on to the next section in our lives.  Summer 2013 is coming to a close.  I will wave goodbye with a tear of loss in my eye.  A loss which is so unexplainable.  I'm not loosing this summer, not really, I just can not add to it any more.

I can see great things in the future, for me and for all my friends. And I pray we all get to see each other achieve those great things.  That one day we can sit down and talk about "Summer 2013" as the launching pad to the rest of our lives.

I can't really come up with a way to close this post, much like I am not sure how to close out this year.  I hate endings, and beginnings, its the middle part that is my favorite, and that's done now.

It's Not Always About You.

                                                  "It's not always about you."

This is an idea that has been drilled into my head since I was a small child.  I had two higher maintenance brothers who demanded a lot of attention, I was the good middle child and kinda slid through.  I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and say that I was neglected, quite the opposite, I have a fantastic family and was given all the love and attention I needed.  Just not all that I wanted.

I have always been a people pleaser, to some extent.  I always took care of my brothers without complaint.  Everything from getting them blankets when they were sick, to making them food when ever they asked.   I have continued this into my teen years.  I have that sort of mother like bond with a lot of people.  A friend actually calls me, "Mom" or "The Mother of the Group" because I tend to do just that, mother my friends.  I make sure they have eaten good that day, make sure they are comfortable, make sure they are happy.  This is not something that bothers me, just in case this comes off like I am complaining, I love my friends and genuinely care about their well being.   And here is where I get into the main point of this blog post.

This has been a very emotionally draining week, ten of my friends have needed a shoulder to lean on this week.  I have been that shoulder, for all of them.  I have found myself considering a career change into therapy.  Seriously, complete with the yellow legal notepad and the chaise lounge.

A friend made this picture for me on one of the more dramatic days this week, it made me smile!

Now, as a said before, I have been emotionally invested into a lot of people and their problems this week.  Which I don't mind, seriously, but it became difficult to focus on my own life, not to mention all of my own issues.  Eating and sleeping took a back seat, my blood was about 40% coffee, and there really was no end in sight.

I kept thinking, "It will all end today.  Tomorrow will be drama free."

NOPE!

Just when I think I am gonna catch a break, someone else comes to me in need of advice or comfort.  I will never turn anyone down, but I find myself getting frustrated with them.  Even when they don't deserve it.  It's not their fault I have a thousand things going on all at once, but I am beginning to treat them like it is.  I realized this a few days ago while talking with one of my "drama-free" best friends.  It became a crushing reality, that I was getting mad at my friends for not taking my life into consideration.  I can't do that.

I spent an hour in prayer this morning, trying to focus on everyone equally, trying not to forget anyone, and trying to regain the strength I had lost.  God is teaching me a huge lesson.  All of my issues I have been struggling with this week have been so petty in comparison with some others.

My life isn't necessarily all about me.

Summer Camp 2013

Exactly a month ago, I was at summer camp.  I was a last minute counselor at Christian Horizons. A one week summer camp for special needs adults.

This was one of the most terrifying and humbling experiences of my life.

My week started out on Saturday afternoon, travelling down to camp with a family friend and another counselor.  The day was spent unpacking and setting up for the rest of the staff to arrive. I was blessed to have met two wonderful young ladies that day, Carolyn and Esther.  We instantly got along, which is unusual for three, eighteen year old girls.  

Sunday was a staff training day.  We met Hannah today.  And against the odds, yet another girl joined our little pack.  And thus began "Giggle Fest 2013"

Monday our campers arrived and stayed until Saturday morning.  Boy what a week!

God showed me what it was to be a servant. I spent a week caring for these amazing people, who are so loving, forgiving, and truly amazing.  Granted you have to be a little special to deal with this camp as well.... On average the girls and I got about four hours of sleep a night.  Most of us woke up at 6 every morning, got our campers up at 7, breakfast at 8, at 10:30 morning activities (crafts, boating, bows and arrows, or music), lunch at 12, Nap time for campers from 1-2, at 3 afternoon activities (cooking, bows and arrows, bible study, boating), at 4 we had swimming or movie, then dinner at 5:30, our evening program at 7, snacks at  8, devotions and campers in bed by 9:30.  Was that the end of my day? No.  After the campers were in bed, some of us would head off to the staff meeting and then have break until 11 (we would rotate shifts on different days).  

The girls and I usually would stay up chatting in the stairwell till about 12:30-1:00 am.  Comparing notes on our days, sharing funny stories, or just talking about our lives.  We bonded a lot during that week, not sure I could have survived camp with out these wonderful ladies!  God truly bless me. 

And then come the campers.

The first night, after a very long day, I texted a couple of friends asking for prayer.  I was confused about why God had sent me to this camp.  Why had he put me here of all places?  I wasn't any good at this! But when one of my friends responded with, 

"Just remember, God always has a plan, and he might have put you there more for others' benefit than your own."

I realize then, I was thinking about this whole thing wrong.  

I wanted to know what I would get out of this week, not realizing that it what I put into the week that mattered.  My entire outlook on the week changed.  

God did change me that week, it just wasn't in the way I expected.