Trusting God with My Marine

To anyone who knows me personally, the name AJ will mean something to you.  It sure means something to me.  AJ is my boyfriend of nearly ten months, he is also a U. S. Marine.

On June 13th, AJ graduated at MCRD in San Diego, CA.  I was lucky enough to join him there and celebrate with him, his family, and some close friends.  Since he has been home on boot leave, I have been bombarded with seemingly endless questions about our relationship.  (Though he has been hounded with more questions than I, so I guess I shouldn't complain).  

"How has he changed?"

"What was it like to see him after so long?"

"How is your relationship now that he is back?"

"What are your plans for the future?"

Those were the most popular, and I have several, well-rehearsed answers for all of them.  To most people who have been following AJ though his journey to become a Marine, those are just the answers they expect.  Sometimes they even answer them for me; "Bet it was good to hug him again, huh?" 

They aren't wrong.  Family Day was amazing; hugging someone after so long is probably one of the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced.  Granted I was functioning on about four hours of sleep and hadn't eaten in twenty-eight hours, so it could have been that I just needed the physical support! But as you can see, we were both pretty happy to have that hug.

Photo Credit; Erika Joy

As for the rest of the questions;

AJ has changed, he now stands a little taller and walks a little quicker.  He holds himself like a Marine should.  He is now a proud man, and I am a proud girlfriend.  But he still makes the same jokes, laughs the same way, and is still that same sarcastic person who left three months ago.

As you can tell from the photos, it was pretty great seeing him again.  Words really don't cover it.  I can tell you that the day after graduation I spent about an hour and a half bawling in the bathroom of my hotel room out of exhaustion, frustration, and relief.  He was home, for just a bit, and that was the best feeling. 

As far as our relationship goes, it's personal.  People keep asking which is why I am addressing it, but I will definitely say that God is who we are trusting right now.  We will be apart again until December, so we have to figure out how our lives work with one another and where God is leading us to go.

And that covers what my plans are.  My plans are to trust God with the relationship that he has given me with an amazing man who is doing what the Lord has called him to do.  I can't tell you I am going to be engaged by such and such a date.  I can't even tell you where I am going to be six months from now, let alone where we are going to be.  I am relinquishing control to God and trusting that his will for my life, and my relationship, is better than any plan I could dream up on my own.

AJ goes back for MCT tomorrow, meaning there will be yet another, probably tearful, goodbye that I am not looking forward to.  Trusting God and learning that I have to accept helplessness is not easy for me (or him), but I know, one day, I will look back and be proud of the choices I have made to let God lead and follow Him.

My handsome Marine.

Weekends With Family.

In this quarter, I have had two weekends with my family; over my birthday weekend and Easter, and this past weekend.  My parents came down for Easter and my brothers and Michelle came this weekend.  To say I am blessed is an understatement.  It would have been very easy to just let me be this quarter, to get sucked into the holidays, graduation, and work, but they made sure I didn't get left out.

My parents came to see me on the 18th of April, for my birthday!  We spent our weekend, going out and eating at different and interesting restaurants, estate sale shopping, and visiting a botanical garden.  That is where these gems were taken... I love them!

My Goofballs!

My Role Models!

This past weekend had a slightly different vibe; my two brothers (Aaron and CJ) came to see me, along with Aaron's girlfriend of three years, Michelle (who is practically family now).  To be honest, I didn't know what to expect with them, not sure what we would do, where we would go, and if they would have a good time.

Boy was I in for a surprise.

The first day they were there we went on a four mile nature hike, went swimming, got some food, walked around some cool neighborhoods admiring the houses, then got some pizza and watched movies, talked, and laughed.  The second day, CJ's eighteenth birthday, Aaron and Michelle left to visit with her brother in Nashville and CJ and I got to goof off... Well goofing off with him usually get us in trouble.  This weekend was no exception.  We went to go walk around the lake at my new apartment, and got lost and walked for six miles or more... causing both of us to have bleeding feet and bad sunburn!  But he's a trouper, and we made it back.  We stayed in and watched movies and funny videos for the rest of the night with the exception of going and taking some senior pictures...

Handsome!

Graduate 2014! Uber proud!

I was blessed by my family this weekend, and I am ready to be home with them in twelve days!

Endings.

I don't like endings.  Of any kind.  I'll put down a book I really like for months because I don't want to read the final chapters, and see it finally come to an end.  I'll leave it sitting on my shelf, full of possibilities, full of unread words that could potentially change my life.  I like it better that way, leaving it some-what unknown, just so that I won't be disappointed.  Because those are the worst kind of endings.  The disappointing ones.

Ending, much like goodbyes, are a necessary part of living.  You can't go on with your life with dozens of unfinished books on your shelves.  Things have to come to an end, and you will both be delighted and disappointed with the endings.

I have seen many endings, in my admittedly short life.  The end of friendships, jobs, relationships, families, childhoods, seasons of life, and life itself. Some I have just seen, and some I have personally felt. These endings have caused me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. Forcing me to wake up and realize that life is real, and it is brutally beautiful.  I didn't want any of these endings. If it were up to me, I would have put these things back on the shelf with a chapter or two to go, so that they never had to end. So that I could hold on to them forever and keep them just the way I want. Stopping them when they are perfect. 

But who would I be if those chapters never ended? Who would you be?

Would you still be sitting behind that desk at the job that you hate, instead of owning your own business? Would you still be dating your high school sweetheart, instead of your now spouse? Would you still be living with your parents, instead of leaving for college or moving out?

These are all endings that we want to happen! Very few of us are sitting here reading those going... Man, I wish that wouldn't have ended. No, instead we are happy that those times in our lives are over, though it may be bittersweet looking back on how easy it was to work that 9-5 desk job, or how nice it was to have a live-in cook and maid (love you mom). In this sense, endings are good, and we welcome them. Then there are the endings that cause us to question what our lives mean and why these things happen. 

The messy end of a relationship, dating or marital, that one thought would last forever. The abrupt end to a once blossoming career. The end of a childhood over just a few weeks, forcing someone, who was not yet ready, to become more mature than someone should ever have to be at that age.  The end of a life, whether is be sudden and wrenching, or a slow decline and decay of said life. 

These are the endings that cause us to ask the question; "why?" They cause us to question God's plan for us, or for some, even his excistance. We don't understand until given time and perspective. 

I don't know why there are bad endings, why some things, when they end, leave us feeling so hollow. While other endings give us tramendous hope for the future. In a perfect would, there would only be good endings. You wouldn't have to fear the last few pages of the book. You would know that everything would be okay.  But we don't live in said perfect world. 

Before he left for bootcamp, AJ said something that stuck with me;

"Your options are: 1. Accept your own helplessness. 2. There is no option 2." 

We cannot control how and when things end, but we can control how we deal with them.  We can sit in denial and demand things go back to the way they were, or we can strive forward, knowing that some way, some how, things will be okay if we put our trust in God. 

I Have Decided...

I have decided something. I have decided to stop hating myself.  I have decided that staring at myself in the mirror, and picking myself apart, wasn't worth it anymore.  

I'm not sure when I started hating my body. I know I was young, maybe seven or eight.  I was always bigger than the other girls, and most of the boys.   I was taller and thicker.   I remember being jealous of the small girls cause they could run faster than me and crawl through smaller spaces on the playground without getting stuck.  I was never a pudgy child.  Ever.  I have never been classified as overweight.  Honestly, throughout all my life, I have been a completely healthy body weight.  But I remember being able to give piggy back rides to my brothers, and never being able to get one because I was too heavy for them.  Both my brothers have the build that most girls would kill for, tall and slim.  And when I say tall... I mean tall.  My oldest brother is just about 6' 5" and only weighs about 180 something pounds... if that.  My younger brother is hot on his trail at about 6' 2" and he's not even eighteen yet.  Both are skinny, and athletic.  

I am 5' 9".  I weigh 153 pounds.  I am about four inches taller than the national average and about fifteen pounds lighter.  And yet, there is always the lingering thought it my mind, that if I could just lose about seven pounds, life would be better.  I would look better in clothes, I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear a two piece swimsuit this summer.  I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was too fat to be attractive.

My arms are too flabby. My legs are too big around.  My hips have too much fat around them.  My chin is too fat.  My cheeks are too round.  My nose is too wide.  My hands are too big and are scarred.  My calves are curved funny.  My knees are oddly shaped and scarred.  My chest is too small.  My butt is about the only thing on me that won't gain any weight.   My hair is perpetually frizzy and not red enough.  My shoulders are too broad. 

These are the things that I say to myself when I get out of the shower ever morning.  The things I think when I look at myself in a sports bra, when I'm heading to the gym, before I throw on a baggy shirt to cover up my "ugly" self.  

There is only a handful of people who know the things I hate about myself.  To the rest of the world, I love my size.  I am athletic, love food, and never feel self-conscious about the clothes that I wear.   I have never admitted these things in such a public forum.  

Last night, I got back from the gym and just stood in front of the mirror for about ten minutes.  I went over every part of me that I hated, and how I could make it better, or rather, how I was making it worse.  As I laid in bed, I thought of how my life would be better if I were smaller.  I glanced up a list of goals that I made at the beginning of the quarter, reminding me of the promises I made for when I come home in June.  I promised I would be skinny, that I would be a new person.  I fell asleep hating myself, because I am never going to reach those goals. 

Today I ran across a chapter in Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, that said something that made me want to write this post.  She apologized to her body.  Apologized for all the hate she had cast towards it.  Thanking her body for making a good home for her growing baby, and for not giving up on her when she had given up on it.  I did that today...  I apologized for filling my mind with poisonous thoughts about the rest of my body.  I said sorry for thinking so poorly of it when it does so much for me everyday.  I apologized to God too.  He gave me this body.  A good body.  One that has carried me thought nineteen years without injury or defect.  One that will someday make a home for my own growing family.  

Today I chose not to hate anymore.  Not to feel bad about myself.  To take that impossible list of goals off my wall that has been haunting me for two months.  To not apologize to people about not being the perfect skinny girl I promised I would be when I came home in June. 

When I come home in June, I will be 153 pounds.  I will wear the same pant size I did when I left.  I will not be amazingly skinny, and have six pack abs.  I will have my curved hips (to prove that I am no longer a little girl), scarred hands and knees (to prove that I have done something with myself and wasn't perfect), I will freckles all over my round smiling cheeks and wide wrinkled nose (to prove that sun makes me happy).  

The war with myself isn't over, but I won the battle today. 

Cause this seems like one of those blog posts you add a selfie to.