Happy Days.

Happy isn't something I always have in my day-to-day life.  In the last year, there have been a lot of days where happy feels like the last emotion I could experience.  Stress over school, relationships, and my lifestyle take control of my life and their grip doesn't loosen easily.  It takes a drastic change, usually found at the end of a seven hour car trip.  

Life is more happy when I am home in Michigan, surrounded with familiar faces, places, and coffee houses.  Even here, the stress of school still haunts me.  I have nightmares about being late to class or missing a test I didn't know I had.  Relationships follow me everywhere, and there always things that need improving.  Sometimes the only way to do that is to have a good cry, go to bed early, and try again tomorrow.  But my lifestyle in Michigan does change, drastically.  I sleep. A lot. It is glorious.  I also get to spend time with some of the people I love most in this world.  

Now I am facing the reality of having returned to Kentucky and another three months of seven am labs, homework, and doing my own laundry. I didn't want this break to end, but alas, I don't get everything I want. Bummer.  So here are some pictures of things that make me happy in Michigan.  Enjoy!

Apple Orchard Adventures.

"Try Again."

This is a post I have needed to write for a long time, but haven't been able to find the means to convey it.  Tonight I found my anecdote.

Since I have been back home, I have taken over responsibility for my dog, Tessa, again.  Feeding her, bathing her, and letting her outside.  Tonight, after a particularly emotional evening, I let my dog out like usual and was sitting outside in the lovely 50 degree Michigan weather, praying.  Hoping that God could give me an answer in Morse coded cricket chirps.  No such luck, but he did give me a slight epiphany.

 The chain that I attach to Tessa's collar when she is out, sometimes gets stuck on the staircase on her way back inside, not allowing her to climb up.  Now being the smart dog that she is, she know the command "try again" and when I give it, she goes back down and tries again.  On the second time, the chain is readjusted and she runs right inside.  She knows this.  This is how it works.  But sometimes she is too confident, turning so quickly that she doesn't allow the chain to move, and on her second try, she is choked and pulled back down.  I always chuckle at her and repeat "try again" and the next time she goes slower and makes it up.  Yet sometimes, showing her true puppy nature, she still wants to run, and is pulled down a third time.  That is when she yelps, she makes a small pathetic sound and stands at the bottom of the stairs, not willing to try again.  She is waiting for me.  Waiting for me to come move her chain for her, so she can run up those steps with no fear, because it always works when I help her.

I am like Tessa, life is my chain, struggle is my staircase, and God is my master.  I can go through my life fine on my own most of the time.  There are some days where I can run from one end of the yard to the garage and never have to stop.  It's almost as if I fly over the stairs without batting an eyelash, but other days, I stumble on that first step.  I get caught and God has to tell me to "try again," I turn around and with all determination I run up those stairs again.  This time I make it.

Next time I won't.  

Next time I will try again, and stumble once more.  God will chuckle at my enthusiasm and tell me to try again.  Then I will slow down, carefully letting the chain move and I will make it up.

But then there are nights where I don't make it up the second time.  That when I stumble again, I won't listen to my master's command of "try again."  Instead I will sit at the bottom of my staircase and I will whimper.  I will cry out until my God comes and helps me move my chain, so that I can run without fear.

This is how my life is, and I am incredibly humbled to realize that I am just as helpless as my twenty pound mongrel.  That I need help just to get inside.  That I can't do it alone every time.  That as much of an independent woman that I think I am, I still need God to give me the command and to step in when I can't climb my struggle alone.

So tonight, God didn't send me coded messages though the crickets night songs.  Tonight God showed me that regardless of what I am going through, I need to try again, and when I feel like I can't anymore, He will be there to help me out.

Grand Rapids.

In the month since I have written last, I have completed my all my finals, which concluded my first year of college, and I returned home for my fall break!  I have returned to Michigan, and I am beyond thrilled.

Not only do I get to be surrounded by my friends and family again, but I also have a great deal more freedom here than I do in Louisville.  I can actually go out and grab coffee with friends, visit my old instructors, or even just run errands.  Never though running errands would be that enjoyable.  But it is amazing what cabin fever will do to you.

A few days after I got back, my parents and I went to the Grand Rapids farmer's market.  Enjoy the pictures!

Faith.

To say that my faith has been tested over the last year, would be an understatement.  Over the course of the last four quarters, I have begun a less-then-convenient relationship with an amazing man, I started school four hundred miles away from my home, I have dealt with months of sexual harassment, and medical repercussions from said harassment.  I've lost and gained friends, had three months of minimal contact with previously-mentioned boyfriend, spent hours hiding tears from my roommate(s), and even more time hiding from God.

A little while ago, during a talk with two of my best friends, I began to complain about my life.  I admitted I didn't know what I was doing.  I didn't understand why my life was the way it was.  My friend, Erika, asked me, "when was the last time you prayed?"  (She is notorious for asking these hard questions, and I love her for it).  Do you know what my answer was?  "I don't know." I couldn't tell her.  Looking back, it was probably the morning prior, while I was getting ready for my day.  That is usually when I lift my friends up in prayer, I pray for my boyfriend, my family, and anyone else I can think of at five in the morning.  But that is just me going though the motions of prayer.  It doesn't go much deeper than "please help so-and-so with whatever they are struggling with."

I don't pray for myself.  I don't pray for those I don't like.  I don't pray for those who don't ask for prayer.  Honestly, most days, I forget to pray all together.

Erika asked me when was the last time I prayed for myself.  I told her I hadn't in a really long time.   Partially because I always feel selfish, and partially because I'm stubborn.  Not only do I not ask for help, but sometimes I refuse to admit that I even need it!

When I get frustrated with my life and where I am, I don't run to God. I get angry. I'm not angry with God, but I get angry at everyone else.  I lash out at my boyfriend, ignore my friends, and complain for hours to my mother.  Talking to God is never an option.  I'm hiding from Him.

As much as I don't want to admit it, God is not a huge part of my life right now.  Despite what I write on my blog, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I should be. I don't got to church regularly, prayer is sporadic, bible reading is almost nonexistent, and if I'm being honest, I'm less then stellar when it comes to the way I live my life day to day.  Even on the days when my boyfriend, friends, or mother remind me to pray, because 'God has a plan' I just sit and wallow.  I want to miserable, I want to be angry and hate my situation, and hate my circumstances.

I want to lose faith, because holding on to it doesn't feel worth it.

If I don't pray, I don't have to feel bad about cussing at that pan in lab that just won't come clean.
If I don't have faith, I don't have to feel guilty about the mean things I say about my classmates.
If I'm not a Christian, I don't have to obey the rules.

But if I'm not a follower of Christ, I will loose my entire identity.  God is the reason I'm the person I am right now, not only that, but He is the reason I'm where I am today.  Because of God, I have lived a good life.  Not only has he blessed me with a roof over my head and food on the table, for the last nineteen years, but he was also blessed me beyond imagining.  He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive community, and most of all a conscience. 

I can't go without praying for too long without knowing that something is wrong.  I can't go against His laws without feeling guilty.  I can't stop being a Christian.  For me that is impossible.  I am the person I am today because of the morals and values He has instilled in me.  It's more than just my upbringing from my parents, it runs deeper than that. 

Does that mean that after posting this blog post I am suddenly cured of all my evil ways?  NO!  But now I recognize that they are there.  Having faith right now isn't easy, it's not something that comes naturally to me and I have to work for it.   There are some influences in my life that make having faith harder. They keep me in my sinful ways.  That is God testing me.  And today, I am failing.  Today I have fallen very low; very far away from God's high standards for me.  And do you know what? That's okay.  I can't be perfect all the time, and failing a test just means that I have to study harder.

Today I am failing, but tomorrow will be different, and the next day will be different, as well.  Because I have faith that despite what I go through, God will still be there at the end. All I have to do is keep that faith, as hard as it is, and push through this batch of tests that He is putting me through.  And I know I will be fine.



Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. - James 1:2-3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God us the Strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26

Let your hope make you glad.  Be patient in time of trouble, and never stop praying. - Romans 12:12