"Try Again."

This is a post I have needed to write for a long time, but haven't been able to find the means to convey it.  Tonight I found my anecdote.

Since I have been back home, I have taken over responsibility for my dog, Tessa, again.  Feeding her, bathing her, and letting her outside.  Tonight, after a particularly emotional evening, I let my dog out like usual and was sitting outside in the lovely 50 degree Michigan weather, praying.  Hoping that God could give me an answer in Morse coded cricket chirps.  No such luck, but he did give me a slight epiphany.

 The chain that I attach to Tessa's collar when she is out, sometimes gets stuck on the staircase on her way back inside, not allowing her to climb up.  Now being the smart dog that she is, she know the command "try again" and when I give it, she goes back down and tries again.  On the second time, the chain is readjusted and she runs right inside.  She knows this.  This is how it works.  But sometimes she is too confident, turning so quickly that she doesn't allow the chain to move, and on her second try, she is choked and pulled back down.  I always chuckle at her and repeat "try again" and the next time she goes slower and makes it up.  Yet sometimes, showing her true puppy nature, she still wants to run, and is pulled down a third time.  That is when she yelps, she makes a small pathetic sound and stands at the bottom of the stairs, not willing to try again.  She is waiting for me.  Waiting for me to come move her chain for her, so she can run up those steps with no fear, because it always works when I help her.

I am like Tessa, life is my chain, struggle is my staircase, and God is my master.  I can go through my life fine on my own most of the time.  There are some days where I can run from one end of the yard to the garage and never have to stop.  It's almost as if I fly over the stairs without batting an eyelash, but other days, I stumble on that first step.  I get caught and God has to tell me to "try again," I turn around and with all determination I run up those stairs again.  This time I make it.

Next time I won't.  

Next time I will try again, and stumble once more.  God will chuckle at my enthusiasm and tell me to try again.  Then I will slow down, carefully letting the chain move and I will make it up.

But then there are nights where I don't make it up the second time.  That when I stumble again, I won't listen to my master's command of "try again."  Instead I will sit at the bottom of my staircase and I will whimper.  I will cry out until my God comes and helps me move my chain, so that I can run without fear.

This is how my life is, and I am incredibly humbled to realize that I am just as helpless as my twenty pound mongrel.  That I need help just to get inside.  That I can't do it alone every time.  That as much of an independent woman that I think I am, I still need God to give me the command and to step in when I can't climb my struggle alone.

So tonight, God didn't send me coded messages though the crickets night songs.  Tonight God showed me that regardless of what I am going through, I need to try again, and when I feel like I can't anymore, He will be there to help me out.

Christmas Greetings from Tessa!

 Tessa and I got bored.  Luckily, she's cute and I have a camera.

Merry Christmas!

I Miss My Dog.

I've realized what's so odd here.  That nagging thing that has been bothering me for the last few weeks, but that I could never really identify.  I miss my dog.  And I know that's something that I knew before, but it's truly something odd for me.  Not having a dog in the room with me, not having another living, breathing mammal to talk too or just enjoy its company.  At home I am never truly alone, there is always a dog, there has been a dog there for thirteen years.

Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on.  I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion.  They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much.  I could at least hold a conversation with Tess.  She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal.  Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty.  And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room.  Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.

I've never gone this long without a dog before.  Ever.  Riley has been with the family for thirteen years.  I've had Tessa for almost four years.  Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy.  A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.

Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph.  She has always been there.  Something I didn't have to worry about.  She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me.  It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did.  That's still true.  I think that's another reason I miss her so much.  We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things.  It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.

I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever.  To have that reminder that she isn't changing.  That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine.  Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen.  Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.

Five more weeks....

Tessa at 10 weeks.

Tessa at 3 years

I Have Returned.

Well my blog doesn't look neglected or anything! My last post was Easter, my goodness I am lazy!

Actually not lazy. Simply busy.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends this year, and I have been spending most of my time with them.  Literally. Almost all of my time.  I come home to sleep and get my "morning" coffee and then I'm gone again.  Tessa hasn't been terribly pleased with me, she's attached to my hip (or ankle) when ever I am home.  In the summers, she usually sleeps on the chair in the corner of my room, but lately she has been snuggling up with me in bed, despite the 80 temperatures inside the house.

She knows when I am leaving too; she has learned that when I grab my army green messenger bag, and when my friend Nate's car rolls into the drive, that I won't be home till late.  It bothers her, and she lets me know.  Howling and growling at the window when Nate arrives, and then running to me, crying and trying to stand on my bag.  I'm not neglectful, believe me.  There is always someone else home with her, a brother or a parent, and for the off chance that she will be home alone, I leave her out of her crate, free to roam and play with Riley.  She's well fed and she is let out before I leave.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I leave for college in two months.  The longest we have been apart was two weeks, and even then I was terribly home sick for her.

College is gonna be hell for me.

I'm not only leaving behind my Tessa, and my family, but I have to leave some of the most amazing and understanding people I have ever met...

My Friends.

God has truly blessed me with these people.  And I'm leaving them.

Well I guess I'm being all depressed cause a bunch of my friends just left me for a week and it is beginning to sink in that one week is nothing when it comes to college.  The sun is setting on this part of my life.

Hey look-ie there! I'm so clever, tying that little phrase up with a picture!

Alright. Rant done.  I've vented my feelings onto the interweb.  Now I'm off to enjoy the epic rainstorm going on right now.

Easter Photo Shoot 2013

It took about 30 minutes of me fussing over placing, lighting, props and her hair before I just gave up and let Tessa chew on the bunnies.

Meet My Dog!

It is my honor to introduce you all to Tessa!  My 3 year old, 30 pound, Yorkie/Schnauzer cross.

I have had Tessa since she was 7 weeks old. She came to me as a TINY little black puff-ball and has now grown with me.  She has been my constant companion for almost 3 years and has been threw everything with me. Betrayal, heartbreak, loss, love, joy, sickness and incandescent happiness.  She is my best friend  and shall remain so. Forever.

Please stay tuned for more Tessa Updates!!