The Perfection in the Hustle and Bustle.

Here I am again, in the midst of hectic quarter.  My alarm clock seems to cackle at me every morning at five, getting too much enjoyment from my exhausted attempts to press snooze.   My chef this quarter is retired military, so this means, if you are early, you are on time, and being on time means you are late.  So class for me, starts at six forty-five.  There is a large amount of pressure and an even larger amount of laughter that happens during this class.  Professionalism is replaced by sarcasm, and if you can't take a joke, it is time to take a walk.  This makes five am worth it to some extent.  The snooze fest of my other classes, not so much.

Homework piles up and I fight to find the motivation to type notes every night, study for irritatingly frequent tests, and crank out five hundred words on a topic I find completely pointless.  What keeps me going?  The promise of only nine more weeks of this madness, and after that, I never have to do it again.

Now and again though, it isn't always enough. I just can't care about the history of dining room service anymore, and I run to the every understanding arms of Netflix or escape to a tiny coffee house and nurse a Chai tea, listen to almost painfully hipster music, and edit pictures.

Just like so many quarters before this, I am struggling.  It isn't the class load, it isn't even the distance from my loved ones.  It is the pressure to be perfect, and falling short so often.   I am supposed to have a plan, a "where do you want to be" list made up, with steps on how to get there.  I thought that I would have one by now.  But in reality, right now, my list is blank and screaming at me to figure this life of mine out.

It screams; "why don't you have a job; why aren't you getting better grades; why don't you know what you want in life?" Right now, I can't quench my thirst for those answers, and I have hit the bottom of many a coffee mug looking for them.

As easy as it is to find things to complain about in the hustle and bustle of my life, I sometimes have to take a step back and appreciate the little things.  Like being able to escape to the comforts of a good cup of coffee, a solitary drive every morning, and kittens napping in the sun as you snap picture of them.  (If you have seen my instagram lately, I seem to be more than a little bit cat crazy).  Remembering to take a deep breath and reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect right now, is something that doesn't happen enough and should happen a lot more often.

I have to find the perfection in the chaos that is my life.  How ever small and infrequent as those occurrences may be.

This Is Why I Am Here.

Fridays are my days off.  I don't have classes, I could go to tutoring, but I don't need any extra help.  I could go cook in lab from eight till noon, but there is nothing I want to cook.  Fridays I sleep in, and waste my life.  Cause I don't have the motivation to do anything else.

Motivation this past week has not been present in my life.  I feel worn out and bored with what I am doing.  I'm not challenged in school, so I begin to slack off in all aspects of my life.  From laundry, to working out, to contacting my friends back home.  I'm just getting lazy.

Thursday, my chef pulled me aside and asked me to help out with a banquet the school was throwing the next day.  Friday.  I, of course, agreed.  Being the good teacher's pet.  I wasn't even sure what I was going to have to do.  I just said, "yes."  I was actually excited to do something outside my class.  To be challenged, possibly.  To have a plan of something to do on the weekend.  

Friday arrived and I was up early, even though I didn't have to be at the banquet until 3:45, cleaned my room, did "chores", finished reading a book, skyped a friend, and was just plain productive.  Looking forward to something made me feel productive and got me to actually do things. 

So 3:45 arrived, and I was off to campus, heading in to K-2, standing in front of a chef and asking for a job.  He gave me a task, I did it, and I went back for another.  Simple stuff, preparing and garnishing small hors d'oeuvre, cleaning, then serving.  

It wasn't hard work, but it's what I like doing.  It was an atmosphere of work, not chaos.  Serving was my favorite thing for today.  I like people, at least most people, and being around people, and making them smile, and talking about food.  It was wonderful.  I found four people from Michigan today, attendees of the banquet, and started chatting about home.   They wanted to know about my schooling, how I was liking college, if I missed home, and a wide range of other topic.  When the conversation turned to politics, even though we agreed on everything, I decided it was time to head back to the kitchen and reload my platter.  They would call me by name for the rest of the day, stopping me before they left, thanking me and giving me words of encouragement.  

This is why I am here.  For days like this.  The days that pull me back to reality and remind me that its good that I'm here.  It was a good day.  

Just Like High School.

So you know all the typical college cliches?  The parties, the drinking, the one night stands, the skipping class, the lecture halls filled with pajama clad students, the stuffy professors?  All those things that movies, TV shows, and real life tell you that college is supposed to be like.

My college isn't.

Honestly I still feel like this is high school, and the average maturity level of most of the students (upper and lower-classmen alike) seem to support my theory.

I'm still in high school.

My parents have just shipped me off cause I'm eighteen and this is what is supposed to happen.

Now, it's not just the other students, though, they are a contributing factor.  The professors and curriculum seem to give off the same vibe.  You're still in a government regulated, standardized, super controlled work environment, with tightly rigged scheduled, and actually, sometimes less freedom then most high schools.

The differences being?  I have my own apartment, I'm not around my family, I don't have any friends, and the food kinda sucks.

And this is not just my conceited homeschool, small-town-raised brain talking.  A few classmates think the same thing.  I actually had a really nice conversation with a classmate, about this,today.  Both of us are ready to go home, we miss our families and our friends, we miss our freedom.  We both wish that our classmates took our classes more seriously, wish some of the instructors took our classes more seriously.  Wish we took more classes to keep us busy.  Wish we could just go home now.

Now keep in mind, I like school, I always have.  I like the challenge.  Things that challenge me, usually interest me.  I'm stubborn and like to make them work.  But.  That being said, I tend to get bored easily, if you aren't interesting, you aren't gonna get my attention or input.  Take my English class for example, she's a boring teacher, I have boring classmates, and the material is basic.  This is primary school stuff.  It's too easy, but I don't like the class.  Other students are dying for an easy class like that, but I'm dying to get out of it.  There is no challenge, there is nothing that makes me want to go to that class, nothing to make me work.  If I don't have to work then what's the point?

Honestly, I think high school was more demanding on me.  College (so far, I'll prolly eat my words in my fifth quarter) hasn't pushed me yet.  I'm ready to be pushed, I'm ready for high expectations that I can fall short of.  Ready to be asked to do things that pull me out of my comfort zone.  To be challenged like I've never been challenged before.  This is college.  I'm a college student.  Let's move up a level.

I Have Returned.

Well my blog doesn't look neglected or anything! My last post was Easter, my goodness I am lazy!

Actually not lazy. Simply busy.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends this year, and I have been spending most of my time with them.  Literally. Almost all of my time.  I come home to sleep and get my "morning" coffee and then I'm gone again.  Tessa hasn't been terribly pleased with me, she's attached to my hip (or ankle) when ever I am home.  In the summers, she usually sleeps on the chair in the corner of my room, but lately she has been snuggling up with me in bed, despite the 80 temperatures inside the house.

She knows when I am leaving too; she has learned that when I grab my army green messenger bag, and when my friend Nate's car rolls into the drive, that I won't be home till late.  It bothers her, and she lets me know.  Howling and growling at the window when Nate arrives, and then running to me, crying and trying to stand on my bag.  I'm not neglectful, believe me.  There is always someone else home with her, a brother or a parent, and for the off chance that she will be home alone, I leave her out of her crate, free to roam and play with Riley.  She's well fed and she is let out before I leave.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I leave for college in two months.  The longest we have been apart was two weeks, and even then I was terribly home sick for her.

College is gonna be hell for me.

I'm not only leaving behind my Tessa, and my family, but I have to leave some of the most amazing and understanding people I have ever met...

My Friends.

God has truly blessed me with these people.  And I'm leaving them.

Well I guess I'm being all depressed cause a bunch of my friends just left me for a week and it is beginning to sink in that one week is nothing when it comes to college.  The sun is setting on this part of my life.

Hey look-ie there! I'm so clever, tying that little phrase up with a picture!

Alright. Rant done.  I've vented my feelings onto the interweb.  Now I'm off to enjoy the epic rainstorm going on right now.