Faith.

To say that my faith has been tested over the last year, would be an understatement.  Over the course of the last four quarters, I have begun a less-then-convenient relationship with an amazing man, I started school four hundred miles away from my home, I have dealt with months of sexual harassment, and medical repercussions from said harassment.  I've lost and gained friends, had three months of minimal contact with previously-mentioned boyfriend, spent hours hiding tears from my roommate(s), and even more time hiding from God.

A little while ago, during a talk with two of my best friends, I began to complain about my life.  I admitted I didn't know what I was doing.  I didn't understand why my life was the way it was.  My friend, Erika, asked me, "when was the last time you prayed?"  (She is notorious for asking these hard questions, and I love her for it).  Do you know what my answer was?  "I don't know." I couldn't tell her.  Looking back, it was probably the morning prior, while I was getting ready for my day.  That is usually when I lift my friends up in prayer, I pray for my boyfriend, my family, and anyone else I can think of at five in the morning.  But that is just me going though the motions of prayer.  It doesn't go much deeper than "please help so-and-so with whatever they are struggling with."

I don't pray for myself.  I don't pray for those I don't like.  I don't pray for those who don't ask for prayer.  Honestly, most days, I forget to pray all together.

Erika asked me when was the last time I prayed for myself.  I told her I hadn't in a really long time.   Partially because I always feel selfish, and partially because I'm stubborn.  Not only do I not ask for help, but sometimes I refuse to admit that I even need it!

When I get frustrated with my life and where I am, I don't run to God. I get angry. I'm not angry with God, but I get angry at everyone else.  I lash out at my boyfriend, ignore my friends, and complain for hours to my mother.  Talking to God is never an option.  I'm hiding from Him.

As much as I don't want to admit it, God is not a huge part of my life right now.  Despite what I write on my blog, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I should be. I don't got to church regularly, prayer is sporadic, bible reading is almost nonexistent, and if I'm being honest, I'm less then stellar when it comes to the way I live my life day to day.  Even on the days when my boyfriend, friends, or mother remind me to pray, because 'God has a plan' I just sit and wallow.  I want to miserable, I want to be angry and hate my situation, and hate my circumstances.

I want to lose faith, because holding on to it doesn't feel worth it.

If I don't pray, I don't have to feel bad about cussing at that pan in lab that just won't come clean.
If I don't have faith, I don't have to feel guilty about the mean things I say about my classmates.
If I'm not a Christian, I don't have to obey the rules.

But if I'm not a follower of Christ, I will loose my entire identity.  God is the reason I'm the person I am right now, not only that, but He is the reason I'm where I am today.  Because of God, I have lived a good life.  Not only has he blessed me with a roof over my head and food on the table, for the last nineteen years, but he was also blessed me beyond imagining.  He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive community, and most of all a conscience. 

I can't go without praying for too long without knowing that something is wrong.  I can't go against His laws without feeling guilty.  I can't stop being a Christian.  For me that is impossible.  I am the person I am today because of the morals and values He has instilled in me.  It's more than just my upbringing from my parents, it runs deeper than that. 

Does that mean that after posting this blog post I am suddenly cured of all my evil ways?  NO!  But now I recognize that they are there.  Having faith right now isn't easy, it's not something that comes naturally to me and I have to work for it.   There are some influences in my life that make having faith harder. They keep me in my sinful ways.  That is God testing me.  And today, I am failing.  Today I have fallen very low; very far away from God's high standards for me.  And do you know what? That's okay.  I can't be perfect all the time, and failing a test just means that I have to study harder.

Today I am failing, but tomorrow will be different, and the next day will be different, as well.  Because I have faith that despite what I go through, God will still be there at the end. All I have to do is keep that faith, as hard as it is, and push through this batch of tests that He is putting me through.  And I know I will be fine.



Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. - James 1:2-3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God us the Strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26

Let your hope make you glad.  Be patient in time of trouble, and never stop praying. - Romans 12:12

Eyes and Ears.

We have two new arrivals in our apartment! Over this weekend, we sent Arthur (our previous cat) home to his girlfriend who missed him terribly, and got little Finley instead!  She was discovered by my roommates parents who couldn't keep her because she didn't get along with their current cat!  So rather than her go to a shelter, we made the switch!  Tuesday (the dog) had a little kitten friend at home as well, who has come to live with us.  So, we have two kittens now!  It has been a crazy weekend!

 Meet Jade and Finley! 

Jade.

Finley.  Who is less than pleased!

Two very pretty kittens, and I'm hoping Finley will calm down and actually sit still for more that .3 seconds!

Check out my Flickr for more of the kittens! Link here!

Bonus:  Tuesday!

Doubt.

I am about two quarters away from graduating from college and I am haunted by the question; "What are your plans after college?"  

I am a planner.  I always have been to some extent.  (Don't get me wrong, I love surprises and spontaneity, but only when the surprises are a unplanned weekend visits or trying a new place for dinner). I have always had a plan for my life. Sometimes I change my mind, otherwise I would have a glowing career as a ballerina right now, and that's okay, because sometimes I just have unrealistic plans for my own life.  

As a freshman in high school, I began to plan out my life after high school.  My older brother was graduating and everyone was asking him, "So what's next?" and he could never give them a good answer.  They wanted to know where he was going to college, when he was going to get married, and what kind of job he would have.  I was determined to have a plan, to have answers to all of those questions by the time my senior year rolled around. 

• Attend GRCC for a Baking and Pastry major.
• Live at home throughout college, move out after graduation.
• Meet and marry a guy from college.
• Start my own restaurant with my dad.
• Settle down; with 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and live happily ever after.

That plan got thrown to the dogs when I turned seventeen.  After I finished my junior year of high school, I changed my major, I was definitely a culinary girl. I also changed my school... To one hundreds of miles away...  Grand Rapids Community College wasn't for me. One short year later, I was living in a dorm room in a state I was actually quite terrified of, dating a boy from back home who was on his way to become a U.S. Marine. I no longer wanted to own my own restaurant, and starting a family seemed like a completely hopeless idea.  With graduation so close, and with the definite plan on moving back to Michigan in December, I'm full of doubt about where my life is right now. 

Don't get me wrong, there are some really great things in my life right now. I am dating a wonderful man, my family has been more than supportive about my schooling, and I have had some great memories here, but I sometimes feel so lost.

I haven't been able to plan for anything in almost a year.  There has been something changing at least every eleven weeks, if not more frequently.  Routine has become a coveted thing. And it was become habit to just reevaluate my life every three months or so.  Do you want to know what I have discovered?  I don't know what I am doing anymore!  I am doubting every decision I have made and everything I thought I wanted. 

What are you doing here?  

What are you doing with your life?  

You are just wasting your time.  

You'll never amount to any kind of chef!  

Do you really think you'll make a good mom? 

Do you really think you will ever be successful in any way? 

These things run through my mind on a daily basis.  It takes a lot to push them away, and sometimes I can't anymore.  Sometimes I break down. I let myself believe that I am worthless, with no purpose in life, with nothing but disappointment and broken plans to look forward to.  But that's not true.

Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith. - Elizabeth Elliot 

God has put me here for a reason.  Granted, I do not know what that reason is still, I just have to remind myself that there is one.  One day I'll know or maybe I never will.  Either way, I have to have the faith to say there is a plan... It's just not mine, and I have to learn not to doubt the One I have chosen to put my faith into.  Because putting my faith into myself was not a good idea.  I'm gonna let Him make the plans, and probably still spend a few nights crying, but I will try not to give up on his plans for me.