Christmas Greetings from Tessa!

 Tessa and I got bored.  Luckily, she's cute and I have a camera.

Merry Christmas!

Time For A Change.

So as many of you can see, this blog has changed quite a bit.  New look for the (almost) new year.  I started this blog back in January and I have been playing with the style of it since then... and over the last two or three days, I haven't had much to do, so I went a little crazy.  Got a whole new look.  Personally I like it better, but then again I'm not the one who has to read it!  Let me know what you guys think!

In other news, I'm back at college.  You should see my face, I just can't stop smiling, I love it here.

Yeah, I'm a horrible lair.  

I've been back for a little over a week and will be going back home on Christmas break in four days.  Now that is a reason to smile.  Plans are being made for Christmas parties, caroling, and family get-together.  I'm very excited!

But this will be a difficult year in many ways.  

• This is the first Christmas without my Grandma Betty.  She's been such a fixture for so long it's going to be strange not to have her with us.  
• This is the first year without Riley, yet another fixture in our home, gone.  
• First Christmas with little Piper.  
• First year I have to actually GO somewhere for Christmas.  
• First year of not being home to pick out the Christmas tree and put up decorations in my room. 
• First Christmas I get to spend with my friends! 

A mixture of both good, bad, and hard.  Tears will be shed this year, both happy and sad.  But I am looking forward to it all.  Looking forward to seeing everyone again, to spending time with my family and friends.  It will be a good three weeks.  Now I just have to get through finals... Ugh.

Grandma Betty.

Best Friends and Ninja Cookies.

I have returned to Michigan!  Oh how wonderful it feels!  Now some of you may be wondering (or I am just looking for a clever way to introduce this subject) why I didn't say, "I have returned home."  Well that's cause I haven't really been home since I arrived in Michigan Friday evening.  I've been spending my time at my second home.  Erika and Alan's home.  After going shopping with Erika, and our friend Rachel, I went back to her house to get some food and see Alan, and then Michigan, in all its humor, snowed me in.  The roads were horrible and I was "forced" to spend the night... twice.  As you can probably imagine, it was horrible, just absolute torture, having to spend three days with my best friend and my boyfriend.  But to ease the pain of the bad company, we made sugar cookies.  Ninja sugar cookies.  And because when you bake with a fellow blogger and photographer, pictures are taken and blog posts must be written.

Our MacGyver'd rolling pin.

All decorated! 

Committing a murder.

The victim of the Cereal Killer!

My boyfriend is a geek...

Thirteen Years.

Thirteen days ago, I lost my friend of thirteen years.  Riley has been in my life since I was five years old.  Since the day my dad came home with this little black blob in a card board box.  When he arrived I did not realize how much he would wind up meaning to me, this little mutt, a jumbled up and confused mess of a dog.

This is just part of a thirteen year story, the story of my Riley.

Silly boy isn't looking at the camera, but he's still cute.

In the fall of 2000, it was just my family and me.  Two parents, two brothers, and Lauren.  Our previous family dog, Molly, had passed away earlier that year and we had no plans to get a new one.  At least Mom had no plans for another dog.  My father had other plans, one day he came back from work at his usual time, carrying a cardboard box.  I was in the living room, playing with my brother, when Dad called me into the kitchen.  I remember not wanting to go, the blocks we were playing with were far to interesting.  But I did what I was told.  My dad was beaming by the door and pointed to a box next to the refrigerator, a black towel was balled up in the corner.  Then the black towel blinked.  A PUPPY!  We got a puppy!  Mom wouldn't let me pet him right away, saying we to wait until he was less scared.  So I sat four feet from the box and waited.  Waited to pet my best friend for the first time.

Oh, that hair!  Morning cuddles with Riley. 

Riley fit in perfectly, he was very sweet with my brothers and me.  Shared his food, his toys, and his teeth (he had a thing for biting toes).  He followed us kids around all day, tiring all four of us out.  But from a very young age we notices him avoiding stairs, and having a hard time jumping up on the bed or couch.  Cue the dachshund in him, his front legs were shorter then his back legs and they were curved inwards. Causing him to have arthritis at about a year old. Did that stop him?  Nope.  He ran and romped and played as much as any other puppy. And every year on Christmas he ran away.  Ever year for about six or so years.  Silly boy.

Oh these people!

Snow Puppy!

Riley romped and played for thirteen years, he went to doggy summer camp one year with his friend Tori.  He won all the awards.  He treed too many squirrel to count, and even one cat!  Got to ride in the car to go to the beauty shop, went to Grandpa's, and woke the kids up for school.  He was a busy, happy boy for most of his life.

Our "water" dog.

Tessa, Riley, and myself.  Fall of 2011.

Towards the beginning of 2013, it hit me, Riley wasn't going to live forever.  Even though it seemed like he would.  I mean the dog shouldn't have lasted six months with his daredevil attitude and messed up body, but he lasted thirteen plus years.  A good thirteen years.  I saw him for the last time on September 18th.  As I said my quick goodbyes, running out the door to move to college, it didn't really hit me I wouldn't see him again.  Does anyone ever really think that?  The idea may be in your head, but you don't truly believe it.  "Prepare yourself, he may not be here at Thanksgiving."  I was told that.  I knew that.  But I didn't believe that.  Not really.  Not even now.

This is one of my favorites of him.

As he grew older, we grew up.  He was there to play tug of war, he was there to scare away the squirrels, he was there to bark at that nasty vacuum.  He was there whenever I needed him, even when I didn't realize I needed him.  I wasn't there when he got sick, I wasn't there when we had to put him down, I wasn't there to say goodbye.  This is my goodbye, I guess.  My goodbye from 358 miles away.  My goodbye, because I didn't want to admit it before now.  Riley is gone now.  He lives now just in my memories and in the photos on my wall.  Thirteen years of memories, scars, tears, kisses, rope toys, and treats.  Thirteen years of wonderful Riley McDuffy Wolfgang.  

"Schurprisch!"

Surprises are the best.  This weekend was the best.  This weekend was a surprise.

Here is the story of my weekend surprise;

The plan for November first was for my parents would come down and visit me over the weekend.  We would go sight-seeing and exploring the city that I have been living in for the last two months.  It was a plan I was okay with, I genuinely have missed my parents ans was really excited to see them and talk with them again.  But I really wished they would bring my brothers or some of my friends along.  I didn't tell them that.  I didn't want to seem unhappy that they were coming or make it seem like them coming wasn't enough.  It was, but bringing my friends would make it better.

For about a week before their arrival date, I had become suspicious that they may be bringing my best friends, Alan and Erika, with them.  Little things that got my hopes up, like my dad telling me that he may not have room for my mini fridge in the back seat of the car, saying it wouldn't fit through the door.  A completely valid excuse but in my mind it meant that there would be people in that back seat.  I refused to ask anymore directly, "Are you bringing so-and-so?" of "Are you coming?"  If they were trying to surprise me, I would let them and not make them lie.

Friday rolled around and I convinced myself that no one but my parents were coming.  My friend, Alan, told me to say "hello" to my parents for him, and my heart sank.  I gave up all hope that he was coming.  My parents pulled up with an empty back seat and it was final.  No one else came.

I was very happy to see Mom and Dad, don't get me wrong, I just didn't realize how much I had been looking forward to possibly seeing my friends.  I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I clambered into the car, off to check into my parents' hotel and then get some lunch.

I unloaded the trunk of my parents' luggage and headed to the elevator.  Naturally I walked faster then my bogged down parents, so my dad gave me the room key so I could open the door for them.  And I did, I unlocked the door and headed in.

And who shall be sitting there? Erika and Alan!

I can't really remember what happened next.  I think I screamed, jumped up and down, and  hugged them about a million times.  It's really just a blur of happiness.  The best kind of blur.

The next two days were also a blur.  The bad kind of blur, the kind of blur that left me, on Sunday afternoon, feeling like they had only been there for twenty minutes.

But it had been about three days, three full, wonderful, memorable days.  And I wouldn't change them for the world.  So here are just a few pictures that I took this weekend of the beautiful Kentucky landscape.

The woods in the mountains are beautiful this time of year. 

A little water fall.

LEAVES!

I love the mountains.

Some Past Work.

A few snap shots from my brother's senior photos this summer.

Oh Dashing Brother Of Mine!

Boys will be boys!

                                                                                                                                                                 

 Being a mooch for the camera at the family reunion.

Peaceful.

No One Saw That Right?

Embarrassment.  It happens to the best of us.  And to the worst of us it happens all the time.  That would be me.  My face turns and alarming shade of crimson and I tend to reach for the nearest thing to hide behind.  It's been like this for most of my my life.  I have always been clumsy and haven't always had the filter of "think before you speak", leading to many a red-faced experience in my youth.  

A tradition gloriously carried on into my adulthood.

Besides the normal, tripping over my own feet, running into walls. and general lack of a hand-to-eye coordination, I am also socially embarrassing.  I run without a filter 75% of the time, making my friends' lives exceedingly amusing.  I spout off whatever I am thinking about and usually it's not a complete thought thus adding to the idiocy of it all.

Now see, to my friends, this is funny.  To my family, it is a constant source of critisism.  To everyone else, I'm just a train wreck they stare at.  I suspect that's why some people keep me around, just to see what stupid thing I will do next.  And they are in for a treat.  It's never very long between my little episodes.

Some days are worse then others, some days I can just laugh off my clumsiness and be thankful only one person bared witness to me tripping over my own feet walking down the hall.  Other days require me to hide under my covers like a five year old.  I've had a lot of those days in the past few months.  It makes me very happy that I was surrounded by people who would help me laugh it off, all though some still like to gloat.  People who don't mind when I make a complete fool of myself and have to hide behind a pillow for a few minutes

But there is something I don't understand, why is it, when I get embarrasses, I feel the need to hide?

I know I am not the only one.  It's very common, just pay a little kid a compliment and watch them hid behind their mother's leg.  Watch the reaction of a girlfriend, at a baseball game, when her boyfriend proposes. It's a natural reaction to the emotion.  But why?

You hide yourself away when you feel ashamed.  Am I ashamed when I get embarrassed?  I don't think I am.  I even have the tendency of telling people the clumsy things I do, cause it makes them laugh.  But yet the smallest compliment paid to me will make me wish I could disappear.

Oh how I wish I could disappear sometimes.  Just be invisible, wander through my life without fear of embarrassment.  But I can't do that.  I can't live like that.  That wouldn't be living.  There would be so many things that I would have missed out on if I hadn't embarrassed myself.  SO many things.

So I guess I will have to learn how to deal with my embarrassment, and come to terms with the fact that it will happen again.  I will make a fool of myself and I will feel the familiar burning in my ears and cheeks as I turn bright red.  Sometimes those embarrassments will haunt me for years to come, other times they will be some of the best things I have ever done.  I won't know right away, I'll have to sit and hide, and wait to see what happens next.

This Is Why I Am Here.

Fridays are my days off.  I don't have classes, I could go to tutoring, but I don't need any extra help.  I could go cook in lab from eight till noon, but there is nothing I want to cook.  Fridays I sleep in, and waste my life.  Cause I don't have the motivation to do anything else.

Motivation this past week has not been present in my life.  I feel worn out and bored with what I am doing.  I'm not challenged in school, so I begin to slack off in all aspects of my life.  From laundry, to working out, to contacting my friends back home.  I'm just getting lazy.

Thursday, my chef pulled me aside and asked me to help out with a banquet the school was throwing the next day.  Friday.  I, of course, agreed.  Being the good teacher's pet.  I wasn't even sure what I was going to have to do.  I just said, "yes."  I was actually excited to do something outside my class.  To be challenged, possibly.  To have a plan of something to do on the weekend.  

Friday arrived and I was up early, even though I didn't have to be at the banquet until 3:45, cleaned my room, did "chores", finished reading a book, skyped a friend, and was just plain productive.  Looking forward to something made me feel productive and got me to actually do things. 

So 3:45 arrived, and I was off to campus, heading in to K-2, standing in front of a chef and asking for a job.  He gave me a task, I did it, and I went back for another.  Simple stuff, preparing and garnishing small hors d'oeuvre, cleaning, then serving.  

It wasn't hard work, but it's what I like doing.  It was an atmosphere of work, not chaos.  Serving was my favorite thing for today.  I like people, at least most people, and being around people, and making them smile, and talking about food.  It was wonderful.  I found four people from Michigan today, attendees of the banquet, and started chatting about home.   They wanted to know about my schooling, how I was liking college, if I missed home, and a wide range of other topic.  When the conversation turned to politics, even though we agreed on everything, I decided it was time to head back to the kitchen and reload my platter.  They would call me by name for the rest of the day, stopping me before they left, thanking me and giving me words of encouragement.  

This is why I am here.  For days like this.  The days that pull me back to reality and remind me that its good that I'm here.  It was a good day.  

I Miss My Dog.

I've realized what's so odd here.  That nagging thing that has been bothering me for the last few weeks, but that I could never really identify.  I miss my dog.  And I know that's something that I knew before, but it's truly something odd for me.  Not having a dog in the room with me, not having another living, breathing mammal to talk too or just enjoy its company.  At home I am never truly alone, there is always a dog, there has been a dog there for thirteen years.

Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on.  I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion.  They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much.  I could at least hold a conversation with Tess.  She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal.  Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty.  And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room.  Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.

I've never gone this long without a dog before.  Ever.  Riley has been with the family for thirteen years.  I've had Tessa for almost four years.  Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy.  A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.

Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph.  She has always been there.  Something I didn't have to worry about.  She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me.  It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did.  That's still true.  I think that's another reason I miss her so much.  We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things.  It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.

I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever.  To have that reminder that she isn't changing.  That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine.  Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen.  Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.

Five more weeks....

Tessa at 10 weeks.

Tessa at 3 years

Just Like High School.

So you know all the typical college cliches?  The parties, the drinking, the one night stands, the skipping class, the lecture halls filled with pajama clad students, the stuffy professors?  All those things that movies, TV shows, and real life tell you that college is supposed to be like.

My college isn't.

Honestly I still feel like this is high school, and the average maturity level of most of the students (upper and lower-classmen alike) seem to support my theory.

I'm still in high school.

My parents have just shipped me off cause I'm eighteen and this is what is supposed to happen.

Now, it's not just the other students, though, they are a contributing factor.  The professors and curriculum seem to give off the same vibe.  You're still in a government regulated, standardized, super controlled work environment, with tightly rigged scheduled, and actually, sometimes less freedom then most high schools.

The differences being?  I have my own apartment, I'm not around my family, I don't have any friends, and the food kinda sucks.

And this is not just my conceited homeschool, small-town-raised brain talking.  A few classmates think the same thing.  I actually had a really nice conversation with a classmate, about this,today.  Both of us are ready to go home, we miss our families and our friends, we miss our freedom.  We both wish that our classmates took our classes more seriously, wish some of the instructors took our classes more seriously.  Wish we took more classes to keep us busy.  Wish we could just go home now.

Now keep in mind, I like school, I always have.  I like the challenge.  Things that challenge me, usually interest me.  I'm stubborn and like to make them work.  But.  That being said, I tend to get bored easily, if you aren't interesting, you aren't gonna get my attention or input.  Take my English class for example, she's a boring teacher, I have boring classmates, and the material is basic.  This is primary school stuff.  It's too easy, but I don't like the class.  Other students are dying for an easy class like that, but I'm dying to get out of it.  There is no challenge, there is nothing that makes me want to go to that class, nothing to make me work.  If I don't have to work then what's the point?

Honestly, I think high school was more demanding on me.  College (so far, I'll prolly eat my words in my fifth quarter) hasn't pushed me yet.  I'm ready to be pushed, I'm ready for high expectations that I can fall short of.  Ready to be asked to do things that pull me out of my comfort zone.  To be challenged like I've never been challenged before.  This is college.  I'm a college student.  Let's move up a level.

Through My Window Pane.

I lucked out with my dorm.  Not only did I get a good roommate, but I got a good room.  You've all see parts of my room in previous posts, but I'm not talking about that.  I have a great location in the dorms.  Some of my classmate's rooms over look that parking lot, or the roof, or another section of the dorms.  Mine?  Over looks the pool, patio, and pond.  And the freeway... but I'll overlook that cause honestly, I have one of the best views, and cause I spend a lot of time in my room, I enjoy it.

Honestly the traffic outside isn't bad, I've gotten used to the noise and I don't mind the lights.  It gives me something to look at while I'm day dreaming as well.  Might be a fun writing prompt, try and write a story about one of the cars that passes.  Where are they going?  What are they listening too?  What's the story behind that trip?

This is how desperate I am for a hobby here at college.  I've taken to writing creepy stories while creeping out of my window.  Oh dear...

Anyways, to the real point on my  post today.  PICTURES!

The only tree that is turning colors here.

My pond with all my Canadian Geese and Duck friends and Waldo the overly affectionate white Goose.

Sunset.

Not bad.  Not gonna complain about this.

When It Rains, It Pours.

It's been raining for two days here in Kentucky.  Not just little drizzles, full blown, down pouring rain.  There was even a thunderstorm last night.  Not that I mind terribly, its just been a dreary weekend.

This morning I looked out of my window and saw that it had started raining again, and I realized I couldn't hear it.  I couldn't hear the sound of the rain hitting the roof or window.  Couldn't hear the wind blowing through the trees.  Couldn't hear the thunder last night.  If I kept my curtains closed I would have no idea it was even happening.

That's how I have been living my life recently.

I'm not letting the outside world get to me.  Not letting it affect my day.  Keeping my curtains closed so that I don't know what the weather is like.  I don't let myself be melancholy, happy, or stressed.  I am in an emotional dark room.

This has been working, letting the numbness of my situation take over for all the other emotions.  Letting the rain pour only on the outside, staying dry in my little room.

I got a wake up call yesterday, though.  Doesn't matter if you don't see or hear the weather outside, it can still affect you.

I heard the rain yesterday, as it fell from the ceiling of the dinning hall to the floor. A full on down pour; indoors.  Needless to say it threw everyone's day off.  Lunch was canceled and other arrangements had to be made.  The RAs had to actually go out onto the roof and scoop water off while it was still raining.  An amusing sight to say the least.  But I asked myself this morning, what if that were my life?

If I wasn't paying attention to the weather and then all of a sudden it was pouring down on my head, or my heart.  It doesn't matter how long I keep my emotional weather behind closed curtains, eventually it will catch up with me, and it won't be the good weather either.  Sunshine and happiness (as corny as it sounds) won't be what comes seeping through the cracks, it will be rain.  And it won't drip in slowly, enough for me to seal the crack and move on.  When it rains, it will pour.  It will flood, it will cause damage, it will take me by surprise if I don't keep an eye on the weather.

As much as it hurts, I have to let myself have emotion,  I have to experience the weather.  Cause as horrible as the rain may be sometimes, the sunshine will feel amazing.

Just Some Thoughts.

Grinning like an idiot.  I've been doing a lot of that recently.  More that I have in a long time.  Mainly it's due to the fact that I am at college.  I get cute messages, texts, and snapchats from many of my friends saying that they miss me or just to say "hi".  They are wonderful!  I always seem to get them at the exact moment I need them; when I am having a bad day in class, when I am really tired and ready to be done for the day, or when I'm just sitting around missing home.  I'll get just the smallest text or a picture of a smiling friend and my day just gets ten times better.  Which causes me to grin like an idiot in the middle of class, on the bus to the dorm, while I'm eating alone at dinner, or while I'm sitting on my bed in my room.

I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy, I just randomly smile (and sometimes giggle) at my phone or laptop.  And believe me, I don't mind one bit.  Not even a little bit.  But it does hurt sometimes.  Knowing that I am the reason for them missing me.  Which sounds weird but allow me to explain myself.

Missing someone is not a fun feeling.  Yes, it means that you care about someone and wish to be in their company again, but in a perfect world there would be no need to miss anyone.  They would always be around.  It's my fault that these people, whom I care about dearly, have to feel this way.  I chose to leave for college, I chose to build friendships and bonds with them even though I knew I was leaving.  They have made my life so much better but I'm not sure I have done the same for them.  Like I am cruel for ever being their friend.  That's a difficult feeling to deal with.

And even though I get to text or snapchat them back, it's not the same as being there in person.  There would be no need for these messages or texts if I were back home with them.  As cute as some of the "I miss you" messages are, (keep in mind, I do love them) I just wish they were sent under different circumstances.

One of my friends and I used to send each other "I miss you" texts after going only a day without seeing each other.  Not because we were overly dependent on each other, just simply because we enjoyed each others company and didn't like to be away for it for too long.  Now those messages have a different feel.  That I do not like.  I feel like "I miss you" doesn't cover it any more.  Like there has to be another phrase that means more and sums up my feelings better.  I do miss her, terribly, but you can over use a phrase so that it doesn't hold any meaning anymore.  I have to be careful now.  Not to over use these sentiments.  Keep those things special, so that I can continue to grin like an idiot.

Distractions.

Distractions come in all shapes, sizes, and ways.  Some I knew I would have, the wonderful world of social media and the internet, for example.  Others were a bit more of a surprise.

I skyped with two of my best friends last night.  For three and a half hours. A bit longer than expected. Just a lil' bit.  My evening was fantastic, I really missed them, and it was so nice to see their faces and hear their voices again. It was wonderful.  Skype dates don't happen enough with us.

But...

I didn't get ANY studying in last night, at lease not as much as I should have.  I could have stayed up and done my reading like I was supposed too, but I was surprisingly tired after skyping.  I called and had a short talk with my dad and was just ready for bed.  And that's what I did.  Cause bed is a distraction for me.

Texting is also a HUGE distraction for me, between my family, friends, well-wishers, and distant relations, my phone is almost always buzzing.  Not something I am used too.  Back home I had maybe two to three people who would text me on a regular basis, now its more like four to five, consistently.  Not that I mind, honestly it's nice to talk to people again, but I just need to learn not to be looking at my phone constantly, waiting for someone to text back.  I am supposed to be busy learning and stuff, and they have lives too.

Bed is probably the worst distraction for me, aside from texting. (see above)  Last night I was just ready to cuddle up in my warm blankets, sink into my pillows, and pretend I was back home.  And that's what I did.  I just went and hid under my covers, hiding from my life here and from the sadness of missing my friends.  Didn't work.  I spent most of the night tossing and turning, sleeping off and on until six this morning.  Did I get up and get on with my day like my alarm clock was screaming at me to do? NOPE!  Instead I laid there for an hour and half, staring at my phone, reading texts that I had missed the night before, and rereading old texts.  Convincing myself that when I emerged for the covers I would be back in my room in Michigan, with Tessa waiting by the door, and a day full of friends a head of me.

My imagination is yet another one of my distractions, pretending that I don't have classes only makes me run late for class, as I was this morning.  It also causes me to write obsessively in class, mainly blog posts or other such nonsense, just not notes.  You know, the thing I am supposed to be doing in class.  Imagination helps my days go faster, bus rides be more enjoyable, and time alone in my room almost perfection, until I remember.  Its all make believe.  My friends aren't going to be knocking on my door, my dog isn't gonna be hording my pillows tonight, I'm not going to go stargazing.  I'm alone, in my room, waiting on the next skype call.

I'm lonely here, which is in and of itself a distraction.

The Land Between.

The world between the old normal and the new normal.

This is something that got brought up in a church service back home, I listened to the audio this morning in my dorm.  They are moving buildings, and are preparing for a new normal.  I've moved states, and I'm preparing for a new normal.

It's been almost two weeks.  That doesn't sound like a long time, but it does feel like it.  I'm getting into the routine here.  Into the swing of things.  I have a system, a pattern, but it's not normal yet.

The question that I am fighting with is; will this ever be normal?
Will I ever be comfortable here? Will I ever settle in?

I don't know these answers, I know that I had a normal.  My normal was movie nights at Nate's, weekends at Erika's, late night text conversations, coffee date's with Rachel, bonfires, stargazing, days and nights filled with people that I love.

I am struggling with not having these things anymore.  They aren't totally gone, but coffee dates on opposite sides of a computer screen just have a different feel.  Stars don't translate the same through cell phone pictures.  Conversations don't flow right when I fall asleep too early.  Having the feeling of being surrounded by people who you love doesn't work over Skype.  These things aren't gone, but they are different.

I'm in the land between.  Transitioning into a new normal.  One with classes, bed times, bad coffee, and Skype dates.  One that I'm not happy about becoming used too.  I may not feel the same in a few weeks or months, I may enjoy this new normal eventually.  Just not now.  Right now I want my old normal.  I am dying to go back in time.  To even the simplest of days, where nothing extraordinary happened, just a normal day.



... 8 more weeks.

Content. Not Comfortable.

When will I start missing home?  When will I really get homesick? Why am I even worried about that?
Right now I am content at the dorms, I like having my own space and being able to take care of myself.  I don't miss my home yet.  Not really, I just miss little things.

*I miss the smell of coffee in the morning.
*I miss the feeling of Tessa curled up at the foot of my bed.
*I miss the smell of my house.
*I miss the familiar things.  The comforting things.

I'm not homesick, I'm content.

But I can see myself shutting down, turning off that emotion and not missing anything or anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  I want to miss people, I do miss people, I just want to continue.

Tonight:
*I miss stargazing.
*I miss swimming in the pond.
*I miss going on walks with Tess.
*I miss sitting on my friend's porch and talking.
*I miss drinking coffee out of a real mug.

These are things I got used to this summer.  Things that I didn't realize I would miss as much as I do.  I've already written about hugs.

Oh, how I miss hugs.

I'm completely sure that I will always miss hugs.

I'm still scared.  I'm still worried I'm gonna shut down.  I don't want to get comfortable here, content is fine, but not comfortable.  I have to keep myself irritated with something or someone.  If something bothers me I can't get comfortable.  I'm safe.

This isn't a good place for me to be though.  I am constantly negative about everything and everyone here, trying to find things.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes I have to search.

Why am I searching for negative things?

My world here is completely different.  There is so much structure and routine here.  I have the same thing for breakfast almost everyday.  I get on the same bus, with the same people, and go to the same classrooms and sit in the same seat.  Everyday.

My day gets all messed up if I do something different.  When someone eats dinner with me, it takes too long and I don't get my reading time, which pushed my texting and Skyping times back.  Then my day is just off.  And that bothers me.  A lot.

I don't have a lot of control here:
*I can't do everything I want all the time.
*I can't see my friends all the time.
*I can't sit in the yard and watch the world go by.
*I can't go down to the kitchen and get a midnight snack.

I'm on a schedule.  I'll remain on one until I go home in November.  That's why I am so concerned about shutting down.  With a schedule that I don't have to think about, it will be so much easier to close down and become a shell.  Just my body doing the routine.  That's what scares me.  I could change here.

I don't want to change.

The College Goings On.

So, it's been a week.  I can't tell if it's blown by or it's dragging out.  I wake up every morning between six thirty and seven in the morning, eat breakfast, get on a bus, go to class, get back on a bus, come back to my room, do homework, get dinner, read, and go to bed.  There is not much variety.  And I don't know if that's bad or not.  I don't know if the monotony of my life here will help or hinder me.  I'm not ready to go home, to be honest.  I'm not homesick.  I'm just lonely.  The empty feeling inside my chest when I know I won't get a hug that day.  And I don't mean the quick little "welcome" hugs that are brief and almost meaningless.  I mean the "head on shoulder, listen to your heartbeat, comforting" kind of hug.  I can't just stop for a few seconds and let someone hold my stresses with me.  That's what I am sick for.  That's what I miss.

In other news my classes are going well.  I am in five classes, almost double what the other first quarters have.  I am in class from nine in the morning until four in the evening.

Seven hours of class.

What have I gotten myself into?

Keep in mind I requested two extra classes.  In order to graduate (with an associates degree) in eighteen months, I need to take five classes a quarter.  So that's what I am doing.  And I think, if I can keep my focus, that I will do just fine.  I'm gonna eat my words on finals week, but heck, confidence, right?

I haven't made many friends here.  To be perfectly honest, I don't feel like I need too.  I don't mind eating meals on my own, or in the company of my book.  I don't feel like having a social life is really that important.  I have people I talk to in class and at the dorms, if I have too.  But I don't hangout with people like I used too.  That seems to be something that people don't understand.  I am okay with being alone.  It's not like I don't want friends, I have friends.  At home.  I am at college to do school, not to make friends and gain a social life.  Multiple people keep telling me to make friends, "You're not replacing anyone if you make friends there."  That's not why I am not making friends, I know I can't replace my friends back home, but I'm content here.

I am excited for Thanksgiving break, though.  I'm looking forward to cooking with my dad again.  Making cookies with my friends (Whale shaped, of course).  Ready for cold, Michigan fall air, warm sweaters, movie nights, sleepovers, and long talks over hot cider or tea.

Only a few weeks left of school.

Just a few more weeks.

I can do this.

Right?

I Have Arrived.

College. The final frontier.  

Well, not really, but appreciate the reference.   I am here at culinary school, sitting in my dorm room, at my desk, typing away.  It feels odd.  Like I'm in a sort of dream, you know those really vivid, realistic ones? The ones where when you wake up you can't tell the difference between yesterday and the dream.  That's what it's like.

I've had a full three days.  Spent the Tuesday running errands and packing, then I was kidnapped.  By the best people possible.  My friend, Rachel, picked me up and drove me to Holland where I met my other friends, Alan and Erika, for coffee!  After chatting for a bit we walked around downtown, window shopped, and of course stopped at the corner book store.  Later we went back to my second home, had ice cream, talked on the porch, stargazed on the trampoline, and began Hug Fest 2013.
These are my favorite kind of days.

I didn't want to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  That weight in the center of your chest, holding you down, making you want to stay.  Forever.  I wish I could, I really do.  Spend the rest of my year sitting on the kitchen floor of my best friends' house.  But I had to move on.  I had to say goodbye.  It hurt, it still does.

Wednesday morning rolled around.  Regrettably.  Up at 4:45 am, finished my last bit of packing, explained to Tessa what was gonna happen that day, said goodbye to my brothers, dogs, and house.  Then sitting outside my house was my friend Jon.  Come to bid me farewell.  Ugh, never have I needed a hug so badly and I am so happy he was there to give me one.  Or five.  It's all a bit of a blur, I lost count.  But after that I was off, heading towards my new life.

God sent me a rainbow.

Today is my second day at school.  I've met some people, enough so that I don't eat alone at meals, unless I want to, which is most of the time.  I've had lots of breaks today, but I've spent them all in my room, writing journal entries, letters home, and now this blog post.  I should go down and get dinner soon.  But first a small dorm tour.

My bed and picture wall.

Book shelf, with all of my "To Read Before Break" books.  Wish me luck!

That's Done Now.

As I'm beginning to wrap up my time here at home, I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.  I'm going through old photos to get some printed up for college, laughing at the memories and sometimes telling inside jokes out loud to my computer screen.  I'm marveling in how much I have changed this year.  I have made some of the most amazing friends in the last ten months.  Some have become my best friends.  I have had some of the most mundane activities made amazing, just by having a friend with me.

 Keep in mind that I just met most of these people eight to ten months ago.  I have had friendships lasting over four years that have not been as close as the once I have made this year.  God is truly amazing like that.  I used to think I was never going to find friends like the old ones I had lost, just because there was so much history there that can't be replicated.  A certain comfort level which only time can obtain.

I was wrong.

Going Grocery Shopping

I used hate the term "Click." It felt shallow and meaningless.  A term I previously only used to describe small groups of preppy teen-aged girls in high school.

But it has now taken on a whole new meaning.

Now when I say "click" I'm talking about my friends Erika and Alan.  Two of my best friends.  Never in my life have I "clicked" with anyone the way I clicked with them.  Frankly I could fill and entire blog post talking about those two, and I  probably will, just at a later date.

Moving on!

The last five months have been some of the best that I have had ever.  The Summer of 2013 will be one I talk about for years and years to come.  My children will hear stories of all of the "adventures" I had in my wild and crazy youth.  Including burning couches, watching Disney movies, numerous beach sunsets (in the least romantic way possible), Wii parties, and hayloft chats.  My children will be so bored with me.

Sarah at Holland Beach

My camera was with me most of this summer, thankfully.  So I have been able to document some of my fondest memories.

Penny in the sunset

This one here for instance was my first bonfire of the year, at my friend Louis's house.  I did not know Louis previous to this get together, we met that night.  I spent the evening on his farm with a group of other friends, walking, talking, taking pictures of horses, shooting off fireworks, eating sweets, and discussing geeky TV shows.
This was one of my favorite bonfires of the whole year.

At my friend, Alan's, soccer game.  His sister, Erika, and a friend, Annie, and I sat on the side lines, cheering him on. We had an annoying line judge that would ruin all of our pictures because he was doing his job. Ugh.  So after half time (or what ever you call it in soccer) we started singing "Adelvice" from The Sound of Music.  The line judge stayed clear of us from then on! We also redid a Les Mis song to fit the game a bit better.  I don't even think I could sing the original lyrics anymore.

It's memories like this that I will have forever.  Not that they are anything special to anyone else, they are just precious to me.

Jon's Pond

The pond.  My entire group's summer summed up into one picture.  I can't believe all the adventures we have had here, all the jokes, the countless hours spent on the dock or shore, the pruned fingers and toes, the sunburn, the lost camera, and just the life that happened here.

Life has passed in these last few months. Lots of it.  It will continue to pass in the days to come, but not the same.  Not like it did this year.  I will miss this terribly, but I can't make it last forever as I want too.  We are all moving on now, on to the next section in our lives.  Summer 2013 is coming to a close.  I will wave goodbye with a tear of loss in my eye.  A loss which is so unexplainable.  I'm not loosing this summer, not really, I just can not add to it any more.

I can see great things in the future, for me and for all my friends. And I pray we all get to see each other achieve those great things.  That one day we can sit down and talk about "Summer 2013" as the launching pad to the rest of our lives.

I can't really come up with a way to close this post, much like I am not sure how to close out this year.  I hate endings, and beginnings, its the middle part that is my favorite, and that's done now.