Faith.

To say that my faith has been tested over the last year, would be an understatement.  Over the course of the last four quarters, I have begun a less-then-convenient relationship with an amazing man, I started school four hundred miles away from my home, I have dealt with months of sexual harassment, and medical repercussions from said harassment.  I've lost and gained friends, had three months of minimal contact with previously-mentioned boyfriend, spent hours hiding tears from my roommate(s), and even more time hiding from God.

A little while ago, during a talk with two of my best friends, I began to complain about my life.  I admitted I didn't know what I was doing.  I didn't understand why my life was the way it was.  My friend, Erika, asked me, "when was the last time you prayed?"  (She is notorious for asking these hard questions, and I love her for it).  Do you know what my answer was?  "I don't know." I couldn't tell her.  Looking back, it was probably the morning prior, while I was getting ready for my day.  That is usually when I lift my friends up in prayer, I pray for my boyfriend, my family, and anyone else I can think of at five in the morning.  But that is just me going though the motions of prayer.  It doesn't go much deeper than "please help so-and-so with whatever they are struggling with."

I don't pray for myself.  I don't pray for those I don't like.  I don't pray for those who don't ask for prayer.  Honestly, most days, I forget to pray all together.

Erika asked me when was the last time I prayed for myself.  I told her I hadn't in a really long time.   Partially because I always feel selfish, and partially because I'm stubborn.  Not only do I not ask for help, but sometimes I refuse to admit that I even need it!

When I get frustrated with my life and where I am, I don't run to God. I get angry. I'm not angry with God, but I get angry at everyone else.  I lash out at my boyfriend, ignore my friends, and complain for hours to my mother.  Talking to God is never an option.  I'm hiding from Him.

As much as I don't want to admit it, God is not a huge part of my life right now.  Despite what I write on my blog, I'm not as strong of a Christian as I should be. I don't got to church regularly, prayer is sporadic, bible reading is almost nonexistent, and if I'm being honest, I'm less then stellar when it comes to the way I live my life day to day.  Even on the days when my boyfriend, friends, or mother remind me to pray, because 'God has a plan' I just sit and wallow.  I want to miserable, I want to be angry and hate my situation, and hate my circumstances.

I want to lose faith, because holding on to it doesn't feel worth it.

If I don't pray, I don't have to feel bad about cussing at that pan in lab that just won't come clean.
If I don't have faith, I don't have to feel guilty about the mean things I say about my classmates.
If I'm not a Christian, I don't have to obey the rules.

But if I'm not a follower of Christ, I will loose my entire identity.  God is the reason I'm the person I am right now, not only that, but He is the reason I'm where I am today.  Because of God, I have lived a good life.  Not only has he blessed me with a roof over my head and food on the table, for the last nineteen years, but he was also blessed me beyond imagining.  He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, a supportive community, and most of all a conscience. 

I can't go without praying for too long without knowing that something is wrong.  I can't go against His laws without feeling guilty.  I can't stop being a Christian.  For me that is impossible.  I am the person I am today because of the morals and values He has instilled in me.  It's more than just my upbringing from my parents, it runs deeper than that. 

Does that mean that after posting this blog post I am suddenly cured of all my evil ways?  NO!  But now I recognize that they are there.  Having faith right now isn't easy, it's not something that comes naturally to me and I have to work for it.   There are some influences in my life that make having faith harder. They keep me in my sinful ways.  That is God testing me.  And today, I am failing.  Today I have fallen very low; very far away from God's high standards for me.  And do you know what? That's okay.  I can't be perfect all the time, and failing a test just means that I have to study harder.

Today I am failing, but tomorrow will be different, and the next day will be different, as well.  Because I have faith that despite what I go through, God will still be there at the end. All I have to do is keep that faith, as hard as it is, and push through this batch of tests that He is putting me through.  And I know I will be fine.



Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. - James 1:2-3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God us the Strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:26

Let your hope make you glad.  Be patient in time of trouble, and never stop praying. - Romans 12:12