The Land Between.

The world between the old normal and the new normal.

This is something that got brought up in a church service back home, I listened to the audio this morning in my dorm.  They are moving buildings, and are preparing for a new normal.  I've moved states, and I'm preparing for a new normal.

It's been almost two weeks.  That doesn't sound like a long time, but it does feel like it.  I'm getting into the routine here.  Into the swing of things.  I have a system, a pattern, but it's not normal yet.

The question that I am fighting with is; will this ever be normal?
Will I ever be comfortable here? Will I ever settle in?

I don't know these answers, I know that I had a normal.  My normal was movie nights at Nate's, weekends at Erika's, late night text conversations, coffee date's with Rachel, bonfires, stargazing, days and nights filled with people that I love.

I am struggling with not having these things anymore.  They aren't totally gone, but coffee dates on opposite sides of a computer screen just have a different feel.  Stars don't translate the same through cell phone pictures.  Conversations don't flow right when I fall asleep too early.  Having the feeling of being surrounded by people who you love doesn't work over Skype.  These things aren't gone, but they are different.

I'm in the land between.  Transitioning into a new normal.  One with classes, bed times, bad coffee, and Skype dates.  One that I'm not happy about becoming used too.  I may not feel the same in a few weeks or months, I may enjoy this new normal eventually.  Just not now.  Right now I want my old normal.  I am dying to go back in time.  To even the simplest of days, where nothing extraordinary happened, just a normal day.



... 8 more weeks.

Content. Not Comfortable.

When will I start missing home?  When will I really get homesick? Why am I even worried about that?
Right now I am content at the dorms, I like having my own space and being able to take care of myself.  I don't miss my home yet.  Not really, I just miss little things.

*I miss the smell of coffee in the morning.
*I miss the feeling of Tessa curled up at the foot of my bed.
*I miss the smell of my house.
*I miss the familiar things.  The comforting things.

I'm not homesick, I'm content.

But I can see myself shutting down, turning off that emotion and not missing anything or anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  I want to miss people, I do miss people, I just want to continue.

Tonight:
*I miss stargazing.
*I miss swimming in the pond.
*I miss going on walks with Tess.
*I miss sitting on my friend's porch and talking.
*I miss drinking coffee out of a real mug.

These are things I got used to this summer.  Things that I didn't realize I would miss as much as I do.  I've already written about hugs.

Oh, how I miss hugs.

I'm completely sure that I will always miss hugs.

I'm still scared.  I'm still worried I'm gonna shut down.  I don't want to get comfortable here, content is fine, but not comfortable.  I have to keep myself irritated with something or someone.  If something bothers me I can't get comfortable.  I'm safe.

This isn't a good place for me to be though.  I am constantly negative about everything and everyone here, trying to find things.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes I have to search.

Why am I searching for negative things?

My world here is completely different.  There is so much structure and routine here.  I have the same thing for breakfast almost everyday.  I get on the same bus, with the same people, and go to the same classrooms and sit in the same seat.  Everyday.

My day gets all messed up if I do something different.  When someone eats dinner with me, it takes too long and I don't get my reading time, which pushed my texting and Skyping times back.  Then my day is just off.  And that bothers me.  A lot.

I don't have a lot of control here:
*I can't do everything I want all the time.
*I can't see my friends all the time.
*I can't sit in the yard and watch the world go by.
*I can't go down to the kitchen and get a midnight snack.

I'm on a schedule.  I'll remain on one until I go home in November.  That's why I am so concerned about shutting down.  With a schedule that I don't have to think about, it will be so much easier to close down and become a shell.  Just my body doing the routine.  That's what scares me.  I could change here.

I don't want to change.

The College Goings On.

So, it's been a week.  I can't tell if it's blown by or it's dragging out.  I wake up every morning between six thirty and seven in the morning, eat breakfast, get on a bus, go to class, get back on a bus, come back to my room, do homework, get dinner, read, and go to bed.  There is not much variety.  And I don't know if that's bad or not.  I don't know if the monotony of my life here will help or hinder me.  I'm not ready to go home, to be honest.  I'm not homesick.  I'm just lonely.  The empty feeling inside my chest when I know I won't get a hug that day.  And I don't mean the quick little "welcome" hugs that are brief and almost meaningless.  I mean the "head on shoulder, listen to your heartbeat, comforting" kind of hug.  I can't just stop for a few seconds and let someone hold my stresses with me.  That's what I am sick for.  That's what I miss.

In other news my classes are going well.  I am in five classes, almost double what the other first quarters have.  I am in class from nine in the morning until four in the evening.

Seven hours of class.

What have I gotten myself into?

Keep in mind I requested two extra classes.  In order to graduate (with an associates degree) in eighteen months, I need to take five classes a quarter.  So that's what I am doing.  And I think, if I can keep my focus, that I will do just fine.  I'm gonna eat my words on finals week, but heck, confidence, right?

I haven't made many friends here.  To be perfectly honest, I don't feel like I need too.  I don't mind eating meals on my own, or in the company of my book.  I don't feel like having a social life is really that important.  I have people I talk to in class and at the dorms, if I have too.  But I don't hangout with people like I used too.  That seems to be something that people don't understand.  I am okay with being alone.  It's not like I don't want friends, I have friends.  At home.  I am at college to do school, not to make friends and gain a social life.  Multiple people keep telling me to make friends, "You're not replacing anyone if you make friends there."  That's not why I am not making friends, I know I can't replace my friends back home, but I'm content here.

I am excited for Thanksgiving break, though.  I'm looking forward to cooking with my dad again.  Making cookies with my friends (Whale shaped, of course).  Ready for cold, Michigan fall air, warm sweaters, movie nights, sleepovers, and long talks over hot cider or tea.

Only a few weeks left of school.

Just a few more weeks.

I can do this.

Right?

I Have Arrived.

College. The final frontier.  

Well, not really, but appreciate the reference.   I am here at culinary school, sitting in my dorm room, at my desk, typing away.  It feels odd.  Like I'm in a sort of dream, you know those really vivid, realistic ones? The ones where when you wake up you can't tell the difference between yesterday and the dream.  That's what it's like.

I've had a full three days.  Spent the Tuesday running errands and packing, then I was kidnapped.  By the best people possible.  My friend, Rachel, picked me up and drove me to Holland where I met my other friends, Alan and Erika, for coffee!  After chatting for a bit we walked around downtown, window shopped, and of course stopped at the corner book store.  Later we went back to my second home, had ice cream, talked on the porch, stargazed on the trampoline, and began Hug Fest 2013.
These are my favorite kind of days.

I didn't want to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  That weight in the center of your chest, holding you down, making you want to stay.  Forever.  I wish I could, I really do.  Spend the rest of my year sitting on the kitchen floor of my best friends' house.  But I had to move on.  I had to say goodbye.  It hurt, it still does.

Wednesday morning rolled around.  Regrettably.  Up at 4:45 am, finished my last bit of packing, explained to Tessa what was gonna happen that day, said goodbye to my brothers, dogs, and house.  Then sitting outside my house was my friend Jon.  Come to bid me farewell.  Ugh, never have I needed a hug so badly and I am so happy he was there to give me one.  Or five.  It's all a bit of a blur, I lost count.  But after that I was off, heading towards my new life.

God sent me a rainbow.

Today is my second day at school.  I've met some people, enough so that I don't eat alone at meals, unless I want to, which is most of the time.  I've had lots of breaks today, but I've spent them all in my room, writing journal entries, letters home, and now this blog post.  I should go down and get dinner soon.  But first a small dorm tour.

My bed and picture wall.

Book shelf, with all of my "To Read Before Break" books.  Wish me luck!

That's Done Now.

As I'm beginning to wrap up my time here at home, I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.  I'm going through old photos to get some printed up for college, laughing at the memories and sometimes telling inside jokes out loud to my computer screen.  I'm marveling in how much I have changed this year.  I have made some of the most amazing friends in the last ten months.  Some have become my best friends.  I have had some of the most mundane activities made amazing, just by having a friend with me.

 Keep in mind that I just met most of these people eight to ten months ago.  I have had friendships lasting over four years that have not been as close as the once I have made this year.  God is truly amazing like that.  I used to think I was never going to find friends like the old ones I had lost, just because there was so much history there that can't be replicated.  A certain comfort level which only time can obtain.

I was wrong.

Going Grocery Shopping

I used hate the term "Click." It felt shallow and meaningless.  A term I previously only used to describe small groups of preppy teen-aged girls in high school.

But it has now taken on a whole new meaning.

Now when I say "click" I'm talking about my friends Erika and Alan.  Two of my best friends.  Never in my life have I "clicked" with anyone the way I clicked with them.  Frankly I could fill and entire blog post talking about those two, and I  probably will, just at a later date.

Moving on!

The last five months have been some of the best that I have had ever.  The Summer of 2013 will be one I talk about for years and years to come.  My children will hear stories of all of the "adventures" I had in my wild and crazy youth.  Including burning couches, watching Disney movies, numerous beach sunsets (in the least romantic way possible), Wii parties, and hayloft chats.  My children will be so bored with me.

Sarah at Holland Beach

My camera was with me most of this summer, thankfully.  So I have been able to document some of my fondest memories.

Penny in the sunset

This one here for instance was my first bonfire of the year, at my friend Louis's house.  I did not know Louis previous to this get together, we met that night.  I spent the evening on his farm with a group of other friends, walking, talking, taking pictures of horses, shooting off fireworks, eating sweets, and discussing geeky TV shows.
This was one of my favorite bonfires of the whole year.

At my friend, Alan's, soccer game.  His sister, Erika, and a friend, Annie, and I sat on the side lines, cheering him on. We had an annoying line judge that would ruin all of our pictures because he was doing his job. Ugh.  So after half time (or what ever you call it in soccer) we started singing "Adelvice" from The Sound of Music.  The line judge stayed clear of us from then on! We also redid a Les Mis song to fit the game a bit better.  I don't even think I could sing the original lyrics anymore.

It's memories like this that I will have forever.  Not that they are anything special to anyone else, they are just precious to me.

Jon's Pond

The pond.  My entire group's summer summed up into one picture.  I can't believe all the adventures we have had here, all the jokes, the countless hours spent on the dock or shore, the pruned fingers and toes, the sunburn, the lost camera, and just the life that happened here.

Life has passed in these last few months. Lots of it.  It will continue to pass in the days to come, but not the same.  Not like it did this year.  I will miss this terribly, but I can't make it last forever as I want too.  We are all moving on now, on to the next section in our lives.  Summer 2013 is coming to a close.  I will wave goodbye with a tear of loss in my eye.  A loss which is so unexplainable.  I'm not loosing this summer, not really, I just can not add to it any more.

I can see great things in the future, for me and for all my friends. And I pray we all get to see each other achieve those great things.  That one day we can sit down and talk about "Summer 2013" as the launching pad to the rest of our lives.

I can't really come up with a way to close this post, much like I am not sure how to close out this year.  I hate endings, and beginnings, its the middle part that is my favorite, and that's done now.

It's Not Always About You.

                                                  "It's not always about you."

This is an idea that has been drilled into my head since I was a small child.  I had two higher maintenance brothers who demanded a lot of attention, I was the good middle child and kinda slid through.  I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and say that I was neglected, quite the opposite, I have a fantastic family and was given all the love and attention I needed.  Just not all that I wanted.

I have always been a people pleaser, to some extent.  I always took care of my brothers without complaint.  Everything from getting them blankets when they were sick, to making them food when ever they asked.   I have continued this into my teen years.  I have that sort of mother like bond with a lot of people.  A friend actually calls me, "Mom" or "The Mother of the Group" because I tend to do just that, mother my friends.  I make sure they have eaten good that day, make sure they are comfortable, make sure they are happy.  This is not something that bothers me, just in case this comes off like I am complaining, I love my friends and genuinely care about their well being.   And here is where I get into the main point of this blog post.

This has been a very emotionally draining week, ten of my friends have needed a shoulder to lean on this week.  I have been that shoulder, for all of them.  I have found myself considering a career change into therapy.  Seriously, complete with the yellow legal notepad and the chaise lounge.

A friend made this picture for me on one of the more dramatic days this week, it made me smile!

Now, as a said before, I have been emotionally invested into a lot of people and their problems this week.  Which I don't mind, seriously, but it became difficult to focus on my own life, not to mention all of my own issues.  Eating and sleeping took a back seat, my blood was about 40% coffee, and there really was no end in sight.

I kept thinking, "It will all end today.  Tomorrow will be drama free."

NOPE!

Just when I think I am gonna catch a break, someone else comes to me in need of advice or comfort.  I will never turn anyone down, but I find myself getting frustrated with them.  Even when they don't deserve it.  It's not their fault I have a thousand things going on all at once, but I am beginning to treat them like it is.  I realized this a few days ago while talking with one of my "drama-free" best friends.  It became a crushing reality, that I was getting mad at my friends for not taking my life into consideration.  I can't do that.

I spent an hour in prayer this morning, trying to focus on everyone equally, trying not to forget anyone, and trying to regain the strength I had lost.  God is teaching me a huge lesson.  All of my issues I have been struggling with this week have been so petty in comparison with some others.

My life isn't necessarily all about me.