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| A few snap shots from my brother's senior photos this summer. |
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| Oh Dashing Brother Of Mine! |
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| Boys will be boys! |
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| Peaceful. |
October 31, 2013
Some Past Work.
October 24, 2013
No One Saw That Right?
Embarrassment. It happens to the best of us. And to the worst of us it happens all the time. That would be me. My face turns and alarming shade of crimson and I tend to reach for the nearest thing to hide behind. It's been like this for most of my my life. I have always been clumsy and haven't always had the filter of "think before you speak", leading to many a red-faced experience in my youth.
A tradition gloriously carried on into my adulthood.
Besides the normal, tripping over my own feet, running into walls. and general lack of a hand-to-eye coordination, I am also socially embarrassing. I run without a filter 75% of the time, making my friends' lives exceedingly amusing. I spout off whatever I am thinking about and usually it's not a complete thought thus adding to the idiocy of it all.
Now see, to my friends, this is funny. To my family, it is a constant source of critisism. To everyone else, I'm just a train wreck they stare at. I suspect that's why some people keep me around, just to see what stupid thing I will do next. And they are in for a treat. It's never very long between my little episodes.
Some days are worse then others, some days I can just laugh off my clumsiness and be thankful only one person bared witness to me tripping over my own feet walking down the hall. Other days require me to hide under my covers like a five year old. I've had a lot of those days in the past few months. It makes me very happy that I was surrounded by people who would help me laugh it off, all though some still like to gloat. People who don't mind when I make a complete fool of myself and have to hide behind a pillow for a few minutes
But there is something I don't understand, why is it, when I get embarrasses, I feel the need to hide?
I know I am not the only one. It's very common, just pay a little kid a compliment and watch them hid behind their mother's leg. Watch the reaction of a girlfriend, at a baseball game, when her boyfriend proposes. It's a natural reaction to the emotion. But why?
You hide yourself away when you feel ashamed. Am I ashamed when I get embarrassed? I don't think I am. I even have the tendency of telling people the clumsy things I do, cause it makes them laugh. But yet the smallest compliment paid to me will make me wish I could disappear.
Oh how I wish I could disappear sometimes. Just be invisible, wander through my life without fear of embarrassment. But I can't do that. I can't live like that. That wouldn't be living. There would be so many things that I would have missed out on if I hadn't embarrassed myself. SO many things.
So I guess I will have to learn how to deal with my embarrassment, and come to terms with the fact that it will happen again. I will make a fool of myself and I will feel the familiar burning in my ears and cheeks as I turn bright red. Sometimes those embarrassments will haunt me for years to come, other times they will be some of the best things I have ever done. I won't know right away, I'll have to sit and hide, and wait to see what happens next.
A tradition gloriously carried on into my adulthood.
Besides the normal, tripping over my own feet, running into walls. and general lack of a hand-to-eye coordination, I am also socially embarrassing. I run without a filter 75% of the time, making my friends' lives exceedingly amusing. I spout off whatever I am thinking about and usually it's not a complete thought thus adding to the idiocy of it all.
Now see, to my friends, this is funny. To my family, it is a constant source of critisism. To everyone else, I'm just a train wreck they stare at. I suspect that's why some people keep me around, just to see what stupid thing I will do next. And they are in for a treat. It's never very long between my little episodes.
Some days are worse then others, some days I can just laugh off my clumsiness and be thankful only one person bared witness to me tripping over my own feet walking down the hall. Other days require me to hide under my covers like a five year old. I've had a lot of those days in the past few months. It makes me very happy that I was surrounded by people who would help me laugh it off, all though some still like to gloat. People who don't mind when I make a complete fool of myself and have to hide behind a pillow for a few minutes
But there is something I don't understand, why is it, when I get embarrasses, I feel the need to hide?
I know I am not the only one. It's very common, just pay a little kid a compliment and watch them hid behind their mother's leg. Watch the reaction of a girlfriend, at a baseball game, when her boyfriend proposes. It's a natural reaction to the emotion. But why?
You hide yourself away when you feel ashamed. Am I ashamed when I get embarrassed? I don't think I am. I even have the tendency of telling people the clumsy things I do, cause it makes them laugh. But yet the smallest compliment paid to me will make me wish I could disappear.
So I guess I will have to learn how to deal with my embarrassment, and come to terms with the fact that it will happen again. I will make a fool of myself and I will feel the familiar burning in my ears and cheeks as I turn bright red. Sometimes those embarrassments will haunt me for years to come, other times they will be some of the best things I have ever done. I won't know right away, I'll have to sit and hide, and wait to see what happens next.
October 19, 2013
This Is Why I Am Here.
Fridays are my days off. I don't have classes, I could go to tutoring, but I don't need any extra help. I could go cook in lab from eight till noon, but there is nothing I want to cook. Fridays I sleep in, and waste my life. Cause I don't have the motivation to do anything else.
Motivation this past week has not been present in my life. I feel worn out and bored with what I am doing. I'm not challenged in school, so I begin to slack off in all aspects of my life. From laundry, to working out, to contacting my friends back home. I'm just getting lazy.
Thursday, my chef pulled me aside and asked me to help out with a banquet the school was throwing the next day. Friday. I, of course, agreed. Being the good teacher's pet. I wasn't even sure what I was going to have to do. I just said, "yes." I was actually excited to do something outside my class. To be challenged, possibly. To have a plan of something to do on the weekend.
Friday arrived and I was up early, even though I didn't have to be at the banquet until 3:45, cleaned my room, did "chores", finished reading a book, skyped a friend, and was just plain productive. Looking forward to something made me feel productive and got me to actually do things.
So 3:45 arrived, and I was off to campus, heading in to K-2, standing in front of a chef and asking for a job. He gave me a task, I did it, and I went back for another. Simple stuff, preparing and garnishing small hors d'oeuvre, cleaning, then serving.
It wasn't hard work, but it's what I like doing. It was an atmosphere of work, not chaos. Serving was my favorite thing for today. I like people, at least most people, and being around people, and making them smile, and talking about food. It was wonderful. I found four people from Michigan today, attendees of the banquet, and started chatting about home. They wanted to know about my schooling, how I was liking college, if I missed home, and a wide range of other topic. When the conversation turned to politics, even though we agreed on everything, I decided it was time to head back to the kitchen and reload my platter. They would call me by name for the rest of the day, stopping me before they left, thanking me and giving me words of encouragement.
This is why I am here. For days like this. The days that pull me back to reality and remind me that its good that I'm here. It was a good day.
October 18, 2013
I Miss My Dog.
I've realized what's so odd here. That nagging thing that has been bothering me for the last few weeks, but that I could never really identify. I miss my dog. And I know that's something that I knew before, but it's truly something odd for me. Not having a dog in the room with me, not having another living, breathing mammal to talk too or just enjoy its company. At home I am never truly alone, there is always a dog, there has been a dog there for thirteen years.
Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on. I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion. They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much. I could at least hold a conversation with Tess. She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal. Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty. And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room. Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.
I've never gone this long without a dog before. Ever. Riley has been with the family for thirteen years. I've had Tessa for almost four years. Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy. A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.
Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph. She has always been there. Something I didn't have to worry about. She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me. It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did. That's still true. I think that's another reason I miss her so much. We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things. It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.
I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever. To have that reminder that she isn't changing. That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine. Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen. Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.
Five more weeks....
Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on. I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion. They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much. I could at least hold a conversation with Tess. She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal. Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty. And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room. Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.
I've never gone this long without a dog before. Ever. Riley has been with the family for thirteen years. I've had Tessa for almost four years. Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy. A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.
Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph. She has always been there. Something I didn't have to worry about. She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me. It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did. That's still true. I think that's another reason I miss her so much. We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things. It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.
I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever. To have that reminder that she isn't changing. That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine. Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen. Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.
Five more weeks....
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| Tessa at 10 weeks. |
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| Tessa at 3 years |
October 13, 2013
Just Like High School.
So you know all the typical college cliches? The parties, the drinking, the one night stands, the skipping class, the lecture halls filled with pajama clad students, the stuffy professors? All those things that movies, TV shows, and real life tell you that college is supposed to be like.
My college isn't.
Honestly I still feel like this is high school, and the average maturity level of most of the students (upper and lower-classmen alike) seem to support my theory.
I'm still in high school.
My parents have just shipped me off cause I'm eighteen and this is what is supposed to happen.
Now, it's not just the other students, though, they are a contributing factor. The professors and curriculum seem to give off the same vibe. You're still in a government regulated, standardized, super controlled work environment, with tightly rigged scheduled, and actually, sometimes less freedom then most high schools.
The differences being? I have my own apartment, I'm not around my family, I don't have any friends, and the food kinda sucks.
And this is not just my conceited homeschool, small-town-raised brain talking. A few classmates think the same thing. I actually had a really nice conversation with a classmate, about this,today. Both of us are ready to go home, we miss our families and our friends, we miss our freedom. We both wish that our classmates took our classes more seriously, wish some of the instructors took our classes more seriously. Wish we took more classes to keep us busy. Wish we could just go home now.
Now keep in mind, I like school, I always have. I like the challenge. Things that challenge me, usually interest me. I'm stubborn and like to make them work. But. That being said, I tend to get bored easily, if you aren't interesting, you aren't gonna get my attention or input. Take my English class for example, she's a boring teacher, I have boring classmates, and the material is basic. This is primary school stuff. It's too easy, but I don't like the class. Other students are dying for an easy class like that, but I'm dying to get out of it. There is no challenge, there is nothing that makes me want to go to that class, nothing to make me work. If I don't have to work then what's the point?
Honestly, I think high school was more demanding on me. College (so far, I'll prolly eat my words in my fifth quarter) hasn't pushed me yet. I'm ready to be pushed, I'm ready for high expectations that I can fall short of. Ready to be asked to do things that pull me out of my comfort zone. To be challenged like I've never been challenged before. This is college. I'm a college student. Let's move up a level.
My college isn't.
Honestly I still feel like this is high school, and the average maturity level of most of the students (upper and lower-classmen alike) seem to support my theory.
I'm still in high school.
My parents have just shipped me off cause I'm eighteen and this is what is supposed to happen.
Now, it's not just the other students, though, they are a contributing factor. The professors and curriculum seem to give off the same vibe. You're still in a government regulated, standardized, super controlled work environment, with tightly rigged scheduled, and actually, sometimes less freedom then most high schools.
The differences being? I have my own apartment, I'm not around my family, I don't have any friends, and the food kinda sucks.
And this is not just my conceited homeschool, small-town-raised brain talking. A few classmates think the same thing. I actually had a really nice conversation with a classmate, about this,today. Both of us are ready to go home, we miss our families and our friends, we miss our freedom. We both wish that our classmates took our classes more seriously, wish some of the instructors took our classes more seriously. Wish we took more classes to keep us busy. Wish we could just go home now.
Now keep in mind, I like school, I always have. I like the challenge. Things that challenge me, usually interest me. I'm stubborn and like to make them work. But. That being said, I tend to get bored easily, if you aren't interesting, you aren't gonna get my attention or input. Take my English class for example, she's a boring teacher, I have boring classmates, and the material is basic. This is primary school stuff. It's too easy, but I don't like the class. Other students are dying for an easy class like that, but I'm dying to get out of it. There is no challenge, there is nothing that makes me want to go to that class, nothing to make me work. If I don't have to work then what's the point?
Honestly, I think high school was more demanding on me. College (so far, I'll prolly eat my words in my fifth quarter) hasn't pushed me yet. I'm ready to be pushed, I'm ready for high expectations that I can fall short of. Ready to be asked to do things that pull me out of my comfort zone. To be challenged like I've never been challenged before. This is college. I'm a college student. Let's move up a level.
October 11, 2013
Through My Window Pane.
I lucked out with my dorm. Not only did I get a good roommate, but I got a good room. You've all see parts of my room in previous posts, but I'm not talking about that. I have a great location in the dorms. Some of my classmate's rooms over look that parking lot, or the roof, or another section of the dorms. Mine? Over looks the pool, patio, and pond. And the freeway... but I'll overlook that cause honestly, I have one of the best views, and cause I spend a lot of time in my room, I enjoy it.
Honestly the traffic outside isn't bad, I've gotten used to the noise and I don't mind the lights. It gives me something to look at while I'm day dreaming as well. Might be a fun writing prompt, try and write a story about one of the cars that passes. Where are they going? What are they listening too? What's the story behind that trip?
This is how desperate I am for a hobby here at college. I've taken to writing creepy stories while creeping out of my window. Oh dear...
Anyways, to the real point on my post today. PICTURES!
Honestly the traffic outside isn't bad, I've gotten used to the noise and I don't mind the lights. It gives me something to look at while I'm day dreaming as well. Might be a fun writing prompt, try and write a story about one of the cars that passes. Where are they going? What are they listening too? What's the story behind that trip?
This is how desperate I am for a hobby here at college. I've taken to writing creepy stories while creeping out of my window. Oh dear...
Anyways, to the real point on my post today. PICTURES!
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| The only tree that is turning colors here. |
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| My pond with all my Canadian Geese and Duck friends and Waldo the overly affectionate white Goose. |
Sunset.
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| Not bad. Not gonna complain about this. |
October 6, 2013
When It Rains, It Pours.
It's been raining for two days here in Kentucky. Not just little drizzles, full blown, down pouring rain. There was even a thunderstorm last night. Not that I mind terribly, its just been a dreary weekend.
This morning I looked out of my window and saw that it had started raining again, and I realized I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear the sound of the rain hitting the roof or window. Couldn't hear the wind blowing through the trees. Couldn't hear the thunder last night. If I kept my curtains closed I would have no idea it was even happening.
That's how I have been living my life recently.
I'm not letting the outside world get to me. Not letting it affect my day. Keeping my curtains closed so that I don't know what the weather is like. I don't let myself be melancholy, happy, or stressed. I am in an emotional dark room.
This has been working, letting the numbness of my situation take over for all the other emotions. Letting the rain pour only on the outside, staying dry in my little room.
I got a wake up call yesterday, though. Doesn't matter if you don't see or hear the weather outside, it can still affect you.
I heard the rain yesterday, as it fell from the ceiling of the dinning hall to the floor. A full on down pour; indoors. Needless to say it threw everyone's day off. Lunch was canceled and other arrangements had to be made. The RAs had to actually go out onto the roof and scoop water off while it was still raining. An amusing sight to say the least. But I asked myself this morning, what if that were my life?
If I wasn't paying attention to the weather and then all of a sudden it was pouring down on my head, or my heart. It doesn't matter how long I keep my emotional weather behind closed curtains, eventually it will catch up with me, and it won't be the good weather either. Sunshine and happiness (as corny as it sounds) won't be what comes seeping through the cracks, it will be rain. And it won't drip in slowly, enough for me to seal the crack and move on. When it rains, it will pour. It will flood, it will cause damage, it will take me by surprise if I don't keep an eye on the weather.
As much as it hurts, I have to let myself have emotion, I have to experience the weather. Cause as horrible as the rain may be sometimes, the sunshine will feel amazing.
This morning I looked out of my window and saw that it had started raining again, and I realized I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear the sound of the rain hitting the roof or window. Couldn't hear the wind blowing through the trees. Couldn't hear the thunder last night. If I kept my curtains closed I would have no idea it was even happening.
That's how I have been living my life recently.
This has been working, letting the numbness of my situation take over for all the other emotions. Letting the rain pour only on the outside, staying dry in my little room.
I got a wake up call yesterday, though. Doesn't matter if you don't see or hear the weather outside, it can still affect you.
I heard the rain yesterday, as it fell from the ceiling of the dinning hall to the floor. A full on down pour; indoors. Needless to say it threw everyone's day off. Lunch was canceled and other arrangements had to be made. The RAs had to actually go out onto the roof and scoop water off while it was still raining. An amusing sight to say the least. But I asked myself this morning, what if that were my life?
If I wasn't paying attention to the weather and then all of a sudden it was pouring down on my head, or my heart. It doesn't matter how long I keep my emotional weather behind closed curtains, eventually it will catch up with me, and it won't be the good weather either. Sunshine and happiness (as corny as it sounds) won't be what comes seeping through the cracks, it will be rain. And it won't drip in slowly, enough for me to seal the crack and move on. When it rains, it will pour. It will flood, it will cause damage, it will take me by surprise if I don't keep an eye on the weather.
As much as it hurts, I have to let myself have emotion, I have to experience the weather. Cause as horrible as the rain may be sometimes, the sunshine will feel amazing.
October 4, 2013
Just Some Thoughts.
Grinning like an idiot. I've been doing a lot of that recently. More that I have in a long time. Mainly it's due to the fact that I am at college. I get cute messages, texts, and snapchats from many of my friends saying that they miss me or just to say "hi". They are wonderful! I always seem to get them at the exact moment I need them; when I am having a bad day in class, when I am really tired and ready to be done for the day, or when I'm just sitting around missing home. I'll get just the smallest text or a picture of a smiling friend and my day just gets ten times better. Which causes me to grin like an idiot in the middle of class, on the bus to the dorm, while I'm eating alone at dinner, or while I'm sitting on my bed in my room.
I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy, I just randomly smile (and sometimes giggle) at my phone or laptop. And believe me, I don't mind one bit. Not even a little bit. But it does hurt sometimes. Knowing that I am the reason for them missing me. Which sounds weird but allow me to explain myself.
Missing someone is not a fun feeling. Yes, it means that you care about someone and wish to be in their company again, but in a perfect world there would be no need to miss anyone. They would always be around. It's my fault that these people, whom I care about dearly, have to feel this way. I chose to leave for college, I chose to build friendships and bonds with them even though I knew I was leaving. They have made my life so much better but I'm not sure I have done the same for them. Like I am cruel for ever being their friend. That's a difficult feeling to deal with.
And even though I get to text or snapchat them back, it's not the same as being there in person. There would be no need for these messages or texts if I were back home with them. As cute as some of the "I miss you" messages are, (keep in mind, I do love them) I just wish they were sent under different circumstances.
One of my friends and I used to send each other "I miss you" texts after going only a day without seeing each other. Not because we were overly dependent on each other, just simply because we enjoyed each others company and didn't like to be away for it for too long. Now those messages have a different feel. That I do not like. I feel like "I miss you" doesn't cover it any more. Like there has to be another phrase that means more and sums up my feelings better. I do miss her, terribly, but you can over use a phrase so that it doesn't hold any meaning anymore. I have to be careful now. Not to over use these sentiments. Keep those things special, so that I can continue to grin like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy, I just randomly smile (and sometimes giggle) at my phone or laptop. And believe me, I don't mind one bit. Not even a little bit. But it does hurt sometimes. Knowing that I am the reason for them missing me. Which sounds weird but allow me to explain myself.
Missing someone is not a fun feeling. Yes, it means that you care about someone and wish to be in their company again, but in a perfect world there would be no need to miss anyone. They would always be around. It's my fault that these people, whom I care about dearly, have to feel this way. I chose to leave for college, I chose to build friendships and bonds with them even though I knew I was leaving. They have made my life so much better but I'm not sure I have done the same for them. Like I am cruel for ever being their friend. That's a difficult feeling to deal with.
And even though I get to text or snapchat them back, it's not the same as being there in person. There would be no need for these messages or texts if I were back home with them. As cute as some of the "I miss you" messages are, (keep in mind, I do love them) I just wish they were sent under different circumstances.
One of my friends and I used to send each other "I miss you" texts after going only a day without seeing each other. Not because we were overly dependent on each other, just simply because we enjoyed each others company and didn't like to be away for it for too long. Now those messages have a different feel. That I do not like. I feel like "I miss you" doesn't cover it any more. Like there has to be another phrase that means more and sums up my feelings better. I do miss her, terribly, but you can over use a phrase so that it doesn't hold any meaning anymore. I have to be careful now. Not to over use these sentiments. Keep those things special, so that I can continue to grin like an idiot.
October 1, 2013
Distractions.
Distractions come in all shapes, sizes, and ways. Some I knew I would have, the wonderful world of social media and the internet, for example. Others were a bit more of a surprise.
I skyped with two of my best friends last night. For three and a half hours. A bit longer than expected. Just a lil' bit. My evening was fantastic, I really missed them, and it was so nice to see their faces and hear their voices again. It was wonderful. Skype dates don't happen enough with us.
But...
I didn't get ANY studying in last night, at lease not as much as I should have. I could have stayed up and done my reading like I was supposed too, but I was surprisingly tired after skyping. I called and had a short talk with my dad and was just ready for bed. And that's what I did. Cause bed is a distraction for me.
Texting is also a HUGE distraction for me, between my family, friends, well-wishers, and distant relations, my phone is almost always buzzing. Not something I am used too. Back home I had maybe two to three people who would text me on a regular basis, now its more like four to five, consistently. Not that I mind, honestly it's nice to talk to people again, but I just need to learn not to be looking at my phone constantly, waiting for someone to text back. I am supposed to be busy learning and stuff, and they have lives too.
Bed is probably the worst distraction for me, aside from texting. (see above) Last night I was just ready to cuddle up in my warm blankets, sink into my pillows, and pretend I was back home. And that's what I did. I just went and hid under my covers, hiding from my life here and from the sadness of missing my friends. Didn't work. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, sleeping off and on until six this morning. Did I get up and get on with my day like my alarm clock was screaming at me to do? NOPE! Instead I laid there for an hour and half, staring at my phone, reading texts that I had missed the night before, and rereading old texts. Convincing myself that when I emerged for the covers I would be back in my room in Michigan, with Tessa waiting by the door, and a day full of friends a head of me.
My imagination is yet another one of my distractions, pretending that I don't have classes only makes me run late for class, as I was this morning. It also causes me to write obsessively in class, mainly blog posts or other such nonsense, just not notes. You know, the thing I am supposed to be doing in class. Imagination helps my days go faster, bus rides be more enjoyable, and time alone in my room almost perfection, until I remember. Its all make believe. My friends aren't going to be knocking on my door, my dog isn't gonna be hording my pillows tonight, I'm not going to go stargazing. I'm alone, in my room, waiting on the next skype call.
I'm lonely here, which is in and of itself a distraction.
I skyped with two of my best friends last night. For three and a half hours. A bit longer than expected. Just a lil' bit. My evening was fantastic, I really missed them, and it was so nice to see their faces and hear their voices again. It was wonderful. Skype dates don't happen enough with us.
But...
I didn't get ANY studying in last night, at lease not as much as I should have. I could have stayed up and done my reading like I was supposed too, but I was surprisingly tired after skyping. I called and had a short talk with my dad and was just ready for bed. And that's what I did. Cause bed is a distraction for me.
Texting is also a HUGE distraction for me, between my family, friends, well-wishers, and distant relations, my phone is almost always buzzing. Not something I am used too. Back home I had maybe two to three people who would text me on a regular basis, now its more like four to five, consistently. Not that I mind, honestly it's nice to talk to people again, but I just need to learn not to be looking at my phone constantly, waiting for someone to text back. I am supposed to be busy learning and stuff, and they have lives too.
Bed is probably the worst distraction for me, aside from texting. (see above) Last night I was just ready to cuddle up in my warm blankets, sink into my pillows, and pretend I was back home. And that's what I did. I just went and hid under my covers, hiding from my life here and from the sadness of missing my friends. Didn't work. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, sleeping off and on until six this morning. Did I get up and get on with my day like my alarm clock was screaming at me to do? NOPE! Instead I laid there for an hour and half, staring at my phone, reading texts that I had missed the night before, and rereading old texts. Convincing myself that when I emerged for the covers I would be back in my room in Michigan, with Tessa waiting by the door, and a day full of friends a head of me.
My imagination is yet another one of my distractions, pretending that I don't have classes only makes me run late for class, as I was this morning. It also causes me to write obsessively in class, mainly blog posts or other such nonsense, just not notes. You know, the thing I am supposed to be doing in class. Imagination helps my days go faster, bus rides be more enjoyable, and time alone in my room almost perfection, until I remember. Its all make believe. My friends aren't going to be knocking on my door, my dog isn't gonna be hording my pillows tonight, I'm not going to go stargazing. I'm alone, in my room, waiting on the next skype call.
I'm lonely here, which is in and of itself a distraction.
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