I am a planner. I always have been to some extent. (Don't get me wrong, I love surprises and spontaneity, but only when the surprises are a unplanned weekend visits or trying a new place for dinner). I have always had a plan for my life. Sometimes I change my mind, otherwise I would have a glowing career as a ballerina right now, and that's okay, because sometimes I just have unrealistic plans for my own life.
As a freshman in high school, I began to plan out my life after high school. My older brother was graduating and everyone was asking him, "So what's next?" and he could never give them a good answer. They wanted to know where he was going to college, when he was going to get married, and what kind of job he would have. I was determined to have a plan, to have answers to all of those questions by the time my senior year rolled around.
- Attend GRCC for a Baking and Pastry major.
- Live at home throughout college, move out after graduation.
- Meet and marry a guy from college.
- Start my own restaurant with my dad.
- Settle down; with 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and live happily ever after.
That plan got thrown to the dogs when I turned seventeen. After I finished my junior year of high school, I changed my major, I was definitely a culinary girl. I also changed my school... To one hundreds of miles away... Grand Rapids Community College wasn't for me. One short year later, I was living in a dorm room in a state I was actually quite terrified of, dating a boy from back home who was on his way to become a U.S. Marine. I no longer wanted to own my own restaurant, and starting a family seemed like a completely hopeless idea. With graduation so close, and with the definite plan on moving back to Michigan in December, I'm full of doubt about where my life is right now.
Don't get me wrong, there are some really great things in my life right now. I am dating a wonderful man, my family has been more than supportive about my schooling, and I have had some great memories here, but I sometimes feel so lost.
I haven't been able to plan for anything in almost a year. There has been something changing at least every eleven weeks, if not more frequently. Routine has become a coveted thing. And it was become habit to just reevaluate my life every three months or so. Do you want to know what I have discovered? I don't know what I am doing anymore! I am doubting every decision I have made and everything I thought I wanted.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing with your life?
You are just wasting your time.
You'll never amount to any kind of chef!
Do you really think you'll make a good mom?
Do you really think you will ever be successful in any way?
These things run through my mind on a daily basis. It takes a lot to push them away, and sometimes I can't anymore. Sometimes I break down. I let myself believe that I am worthless, with no purpose in life, with nothing but disappointment and broken plans to look forward to. But that's not true.
Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith. - Elizabeth Elliot
God has put me here for a reason. Granted, I do not know what that reason is still, I just have to remind myself that there is one. One day I'll know or maybe I never will. Either way, I have to have the faith to say there is a plan... It's just not mine, and I have to learn not to doubt the One I have chosen to put my faith into. Because putting my faith into myself was not a good idea. I'm gonna let Him make the plans, and probably still spend a few nights crying, but I will try not to give up on his plans for me.
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