Lauren; The Blogger.

Edit. Cut. Reword. Rename. Omit. 

Four hours later and I will still never publish anything.  In the last year of this blog, I have found myself caught somewhere between over sharing and not-so-subtle cryptic messages. None of those make a good blog post.  Which seems to be the problem with my blog.  

I write what is on my mind.  Sometimes I just write for the sake of writing.  I do not have a target audience, I'm pretty sure those of you who read my blog are the ones who find my link off Facebook, which means we are friends.  This is the kind of stuff I would share with you over a cup of coffee, or on a road trip.  Long rants, but here I am not interrupted by anything but my own thoughts.  For someone who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away from those she would normally ramble to, this blog has turned into my outlet.  

For about the first year of this blog, no one knew about it.  I never shared it on social media, never mentioned it to friends or family, I just wrote.  Slowly I worked up the courage to share things on my Facebook page, mostly to let people keep up with me after I left for college... Because I am a notoriously bad friend when it comes to long distances. 

Some of my most popular posts are those that are the most personal... About my relationship, my body image, and my view on dating.  That will never cease to amaze me... And scare me.  Suddenly my blog became a source of stress.  

How much is too much to share?  People will read this... I'll have to edit that part out.  I don't want people to know that I'm not doing well.  Why can't I find an answer to this problem? 

I went from being carefree about what I posted, because no one read it anyways, to someone who was overly concerned about how things look to my readers. 

The last time I wrote a post, I ended up taking it down almost immediately, because it was too much of me and not enough of Lauren; the blogger. I sat in a coffee house and cried about what I had just written, making all the business men around me very uncomfortable.  That post didn't have a strong conclusion... it actually ended with me crying out for help.  It was raw, it was me, and I deleted it.  

I was scared of what other people would think, that they would suddenly realize that I was imperfect and failing.  Other bloggers aren't like that, with their perfectly edited pictures, inspirational stories, and perfect families. Then there is me, a nineteen year old mess of a college student. But no one should know that. 

This is crazy! No one is perfect, even other bloggers with their pristine Instagrams, seemingly angelic children, and artistically plated meals.  They are just like me, carefully editing and omitting the nitty gritty that is real life.  

So here is my honest statement about this blog... I don't know what I am doing.  I am learning everyday and sometimes that means that I falter and don't have a witty conclusion to wrap it all up nicely. 

Is that okay?  Maybe it is.  Maybe that post was written so that someone can understand that it's not just their life that seems to be in shambles.  That no matter how glamorous a person can describe their life, it is still hard, and it takes work.  That Lauren; the blogger, is actually Lauren; the rambler.  Cause I think I just might like that title more.