There and Back Again.

January 5th marked a strange day in my life.  It was the beginning of the winter quarter at Sullivan and I wasn't in Kentucky.  One year ago, I was sitting in an airport, waiting for my delayed flight, headed back to Kentucky after Christmas break.  This year I was watching my friends and family go back to school and work as I stayed in my pajamas till noon.  That's when it really hit me.  I was done with Kentucky.

Despite my grumblings (and yes, there were a lot of them), Kentucky had become my home.  My pictures hung on the walls there, people who make me smile and laugh are there, and there were three happy animals ready to greet me every day.  I worked there, I lived there, it was my home for over a year.

Then my pictures were in boxes, I had said farewell to my friends and had one last hoorah, the animals had successfully hidden in my luggage, I quit my job, I packed my stuff, and I didn't call it home anymore.

Now it is strange, living somewhere I haven't called home in over a year.  I'm not the same person, which is horribly cliched to say, but accurate. In someways I'm better, and in some ways, worse.  I needed to come back to Michigan to heal myself, but I needed Kentucky to break me.

I needed the wake up call that Kentucky gave me, both the good and bad ones.  The realization that I really can do anything for eleven weeks, I really can do this career, I am really not as good as I thought I was, and I really need a lot more help than I let on.

The people I met in Kentucky have changed me forever, whether it me the boys who harassed me for months, or the instructor that literally held me as I cried out for help.  I wouldn't be who I am right now without them.

My time in school not only taught me how to sous-vide a duck breast, but also how to handle life and its curve balls... and there were plenty.  A long distance relationship was started six months early, a suburban girl was thrown into a big city, a fear of abandonment was kicked into overdrive, and I survived my hardest year yet.

There have been days when I regret what happened in Kentucky, who I was there, things that I said, or decisions made under the circumstances.  There are days I wish I had never left Michigan.  But today, as I write this on the brink of starting a new job and more life changes, I miss Kentucky.  The normality that I had become accustomed to is now gone.  I have to find a new normal, and I'm not good with transitions.

Today, I want to be back in my musty apartment, making dinner for myself and getting my uniform ready for tomorrow. Instead I am sitting in my room, with my friend, Erika, sitting on my bed playing music, waiting for my mom to finish my dinner, and dreading driving to my first day of work tomorrow.

In two months, I won't remember what I am feeling at this very moment.  I'll have found my new normal and will be content with it and happier than I ever was in Kentucky.  But that is not today. Today is strange because I was there and now I am back again.

Trusting God with My Marine

To anyone who knows me personally, the name AJ will mean something to you.  It sure means something to me.  AJ is my boyfriend of nearly ten months, he is also a U. S. Marine.

On June 13th, AJ graduated at MCRD in San Diego, CA.  I was lucky enough to join him there and celebrate with him, his family, and some close friends.  Since he has been home on boot leave, I have been bombarded with seemingly endless questions about our relationship.  (Though he has been hounded with more questions than I, so I guess I shouldn't complain).  

"How has he changed?"

"What was it like to see him after so long?"

"How is your relationship now that he is back?"

"What are your plans for the future?"

Those were the most popular, and I have several, well-rehearsed answers for all of them.  To most people who have been following AJ though his journey to become a Marine, those are just the answers they expect.  Sometimes they even answer them for me; "Bet it was good to hug him again, huh?" 

They aren't wrong.  Family Day was amazing; hugging someone after so long is probably one of the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced.  Granted I was functioning on about four hours of sleep and hadn't eaten in twenty-eight hours, so it could have been that I just needed the physical support! But as you can see, we were both pretty happy to have that hug.

Photo Credit; Erika Joy

As for the rest of the questions;

AJ has changed, he now stands a little taller and walks a little quicker.  He holds himself like a Marine should.  He is now a proud man, and I am a proud girlfriend.  But he still makes the same jokes, laughs the same way, and is still that same sarcastic person who left three months ago.

As you can tell from the photos, it was pretty great seeing him again.  Words really don't cover it.  I can tell you that the day after graduation I spent about an hour and a half bawling in the bathroom of my hotel room out of exhaustion, frustration, and relief.  He was home, for just a bit, and that was the best feeling. 

As far as our relationship goes, it's personal.  People keep asking which is why I am addressing it, but I will definitely say that God is who we are trusting right now.  We will be apart again until December, so we have to figure out how our lives work with one another and where God is leading us to go.

And that covers what my plans are.  My plans are to trust God with the relationship that he has given me with an amazing man who is doing what the Lord has called him to do.  I can't tell you I am going to be engaged by such and such a date.  I can't even tell you where I am going to be six months from now, let alone where we are going to be.  I am relinquishing control to God and trusting that his will for my life, and my relationship, is better than any plan I could dream up on my own.

AJ goes back for MCT tomorrow, meaning there will be yet another, probably tearful, goodbye that I am not looking forward to.  Trusting God and learning that I have to accept helplessness is not easy for me (or him), but I know, one day, I will look back and be proud of the choices I have made to let God lead and follow Him.

My handsome Marine.

Saying Goodbye.

In the past month I have had to say goodbye in many different ways.  To friends at school who are graduating, my instructors who have helped me through a really tough quarter, my sanity, and my best friend.

Some goodbyes are easier than others, I don't sweat saying goodbye to my classmates, or most of my instructors.  They are just formalities, but others seem to push me past the limit of what I can handle.

• My chef this past quarter has been amazing, she has helped me through so much and was that mother figure I needed when I am so far away from my own mom.  I won't have her for another class while I am here, but she has promised that we will work together again.  I had a brief visit with her yesterday and we caught up on each others lives.  We've both been better after getting out of that class, both mentally and physically. 

• Another chef has also greatly helped me through some of my struggles this quarter.  He was a supporter and protector when the harassment in class became too much for me to handle on my own anymore.  Along with helping me protect a fellow classmate when the need arose.  Now he's definitely not my father figure, not even close, between the goofy jokes and teasing we bantered back and forth, he's more of a brother figure. Another thing I needed when I was so far away from my own brothers.

These two instructors helped make this quarter survivable, pushing me to do better in my classes and supporting the efforts I made.  Saying goodbye is not something that I enjoyed about my finals week.  A simple thank you doesn't seem to convey the weight they helped lift off my shoulders and the peace they still give me when I walk though the halls and get a hug or a simple smile. 

• I said goodbye to my sanity long ago, but what little remained left me finals week.  I was living off the hope of being home that Friday, and nothing more.  I was physically not able to take another week of last quarter.  The headaches, light headedness, shakes, back pain, and more recently anxiety attacks made my everyday a bit of a struggle.  I could break down at any second of my day and thankfully, every time I did, I was alone.  Even my roommate was oblivious to them for the first week.  Currently, I don't suffer from them anymore, any of them.  From headaches to anxiety, I've been free of them for two weeks.   

• Then, possibly the worst goodbye of them all; my goodbye to AJ.  On March 16th, I said goodbye to him over the phone for the next three months.  He headed off to boot camp and I was stranded in Kentucky staring down the barrel of the gun they call finals week. It's already been a month, I am happy to report, but that didn't make that morning any easier (or the next few weeks either, for that matter).  AJ and I would talk everyday, which was another reason I made it through last quarter.  His support and wise words helped me make sense of what was happening, and gave me comfort when I felt weak and defenseless.  He was my biggest fan when I found out my grade for my hardest final and cheered me on as I faced some difficult days.  Now it's my turn to take up that roll, as he is facing the hardest 13 weeks of his life so far.  A roll I am extremely proud to undertake, to try and some how repay what he has done for me.  

I have learned a lot in the last month.  Learned things bout myself and what I am capable of, things I didn't even think were possible for me.  Goodbyes are hard but I think they are some of the greatest teachers of all. They prove that life goes on after something ends and that not all farewells are sad.  They are just a symbol that life is starting a new chapter, for better or worse.  So yes, I said goodbye, but I opened myself up for so many more "hello's."