Content. Not Comfortable.

When will I start missing home?  When will I really get homesick? Why am I even worried about that?
Right now I am content at the dorms, I like having my own space and being able to take care of myself.  I don't miss my home yet.  Not really, I just miss little things.

*I miss the smell of coffee in the morning.
*I miss the feeling of Tessa curled up at the foot of my bed.
*I miss the smell of my house.
*I miss the familiar things.  The comforting things.

I'm not homesick, I'm content.

But I can see myself shutting down, turning off that emotion and not missing anything or anyone.  I don't want that to happen.  I want to miss people, I do miss people, I just want to continue.

Tonight:
*I miss stargazing.
*I miss swimming in the pond.
*I miss going on walks with Tess.
*I miss sitting on my friend's porch and talking.
*I miss drinking coffee out of a real mug.

These are things I got used to this summer.  Things that I didn't realize I would miss as much as I do.  I've already written about hugs.

Oh, how I miss hugs.

I'm completely sure that I will always miss hugs.

I'm still scared.  I'm still worried I'm gonna shut down.  I don't want to get comfortable here, content is fine, but not comfortable.  I have to keep myself irritated with something or someone.  If something bothers me I can't get comfortable.  I'm safe.

This isn't a good place for me to be though.  I am constantly negative about everything and everyone here, trying to find things.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes I have to search.

Why am I searching for negative things?

My world here is completely different.  There is so much structure and routine here.  I have the same thing for breakfast almost everyday.  I get on the same bus, with the same people, and go to the same classrooms and sit in the same seat.  Everyday.

My day gets all messed up if I do something different.  When someone eats dinner with me, it takes too long and I don't get my reading time, which pushed my texting and Skyping times back.  Then my day is just off.  And that bothers me.  A lot.

I don't have a lot of control here:
*I can't do everything I want all the time.
*I can't see my friends all the time.
*I can't sit in the yard and watch the world go by.
*I can't go down to the kitchen and get a midnight snack.

I'm on a schedule.  I'll remain on one until I go home in November.  That's why I am so concerned about shutting down.  With a schedule that I don't have to think about, it will be so much easier to close down and become a shell.  Just my body doing the routine.  That's what scares me.  I could change here.

I don't want to change.