I Miss My Dog.

I've realized what's so odd here.  That nagging thing that has been bothering me for the last few weeks, but that I could never really identify.  I miss my dog.  And I know that's something that I knew before, but it's truly something odd for me.  Not having a dog in the room with me, not having another living, breathing mammal to talk too or just enjoy its company.  At home I am never truly alone, there is always a dog, there has been a dog there for thirteen years.

Here, the closest thing I have to a breathing companion is my air conditioner, which is constantly on.  I've debated over getting a fish, but they aren't much in the way of a companion.  They are sorta just there, swimming around, looking pretty, but not contributing much.  I could at least hold a conversation with Tess.  She'd whine or bark at me, I'd tell her what I thought, and she would give her rebuttal.  Even if she wasn't talking back, I knew she could hear me, understand me, no, but she would listen.
I talk to myself here now, just talking into the emptiness of my room like I would do at home, only at home, the room wasn't empty.  And you don't seem crazy when you talk to a dog, you seem crazy when you talk to an empty room.  Even if you are the only one who can hear yourself.

I've never gone this long without a dog before.  Ever.  Riley has been with the family for thirteen years.  I've had Tessa for almost four years.  Now, being at college for exactly a month, I feel strangely melancholy.  A different kind of sad from missing my family or friends.

Tessa has been with me through some of the toughest moments of my life, through depression and anxiety, through pain and grief, and though love and triumph.  She has always been there.  Something I didn't have to worry about.  She was never gonna leave me, she would always love me.  It was a relationship that didn't need work, like all of my other relationships did.  That's still true.  I think that's another reason I miss her so much.  We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we didn't mis-communicate, we didn't worry about our relationship changing due to any of those things.  It was just good, not perfect, but pretty darn close.

I think now that I've hit a point in my life where things are beginning to change in more ways that I can count, I need Tess more than ever.  To have that reminder that she isn't changing.  That when I come home, she'll be there ready to start again with our routine.  Until then, I wish I could talk to her, just vent to her, cause she is always willing to listen.  Tell her about my day, my classes, my classmates, my friends, my struggles.

Five more weeks....

Tessa at 10 weeks.

Tessa at 3 years