Just Some Thoughts.

Grinning like an idiot.  I've been doing a lot of that recently.  More that I have in a long time.  Mainly it's due to the fact that I am at college.  I get cute messages, texts, and snapchats from many of my friends saying that they miss me or just to say "hi".  They are wonderful!  I always seem to get them at the exact moment I need them; when I am having a bad day in class, when I am really tired and ready to be done for the day, or when I'm just sitting around missing home.  I'll get just the smallest text or a picture of a smiling friend and my day just gets ten times better.  Which causes me to grin like an idiot in the middle of class, on the bus to the dorm, while I'm eating alone at dinner, or while I'm sitting on my bed in my room.

I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy, I just randomly smile (and sometimes giggle) at my phone or laptop.  And believe me, I don't mind one bit.  Not even a little bit.  But it does hurt sometimes.  Knowing that I am the reason for them missing me.  Which sounds weird but allow me to explain myself.

Missing someone is not a fun feeling.  Yes, it means that you care about someone and wish to be in their company again, but in a perfect world there would be no need to miss anyone.  They would always be around.  It's my fault that these people, whom I care about dearly, have to feel this way.  I chose to leave for college, I chose to build friendships and bonds with them even though I knew I was leaving.  They have made my life so much better but I'm not sure I have done the same for them.  Like I am cruel for ever being their friend.  That's a difficult feeling to deal with.

And even though I get to text or snapchat them back, it's not the same as being there in person.  There would be no need for these messages or texts if I were back home with them.  As cute as some of the "I miss you" messages are, (keep in mind, I do love them) I just wish they were sent under different circumstances.

One of my friends and I used to send each other "I miss you" texts after going only a day without seeing each other.  Not because we were overly dependent on each other, just simply because we enjoyed each others company and didn't like to be away for it for too long.  Now those messages have a different feel.  That I do not like.  I feel like "I miss you" doesn't cover it any more.  Like there has to be another phrase that means more and sums up my feelings better.  I do miss her, terribly, but you can over use a phrase so that it doesn't hold any meaning anymore.  I have to be careful now.  Not to over use these sentiments.  Keep those things special, so that I can continue to grin like an idiot.